the whole of the universe, mon - thu
- Do not ask bar staff out, ever.
- Do not tell bar staff to smile, ever.
- Do not ask if you can bum a cigarette because you don't really smoke -- you just indulge when you are out. (This does not apply to Jon, Phillip, George, Scott or Toothgnip. It does, however, apply to the Satanic Chicken)
- Do not wear white turtlenecks.
- If you are going to follow the latest affected, stupid trend and smoke a cigar, then at least make it a good one -- not the two dollar variety you obviously bought at the deli in the hope that it would make you look cool.
- Do not nag your friends to try an unusual beer "like a heineken".
- Do not drink shots with stupid names. (This will not only get you labeled "loser" but will annoy the bartender and will probably prompt him/her to check and make sure you really are over 21 in spite of the receding hairline).
- Do not continue to talk to a woman (or man) who turns their back on you and ignores your for more than five minutes. (I've made this one inclusive, but lets face it, it's the guys who need this advice.)
- Do not buy a drink for a man or woman who turns their back on you and ignores you for more than five minutes.
- Do not throw up on the bar, ever.
-- lynda kennedy, bartender of distinction
august 3, 1997
editor's note: lynda is a regular contributor to goats.com. a bartender at peculier pub for many years, she recently received her phd in education from harvard, and is currently undergoing extensive, navy-seal-like training in the jungles of montana to become a 'beer sherpa'. although jon and phillip (and several of their acquaintances) have committed more than one of the aforementioned sins, lynda still talks to them for some reason.