This is yet another unofficial contest, sponsored by me. Should this contest fail, Jon & Phillip will deny any knowledge of me, or my contest mission. Well, heck, should this contest succeed, Jon & Phillip will continue to try to deny all knowledge of me.

The Contest:
Write an essay of no more than 200 words telling the tale of Neil & Bob's first meeting. Annoying and pathetic attempts at witticisms about inconvenient facts [goats.com] will be ignored as unfounded rumors. Words will be scrupulously counted using 'a grouping of alphanumeric characters delimited by spaces or punctuation' as the definition of a word. So this sentence contains six words. And OMG!?WTF!1?!! counts as two words, but will disqualify your entry.

Eligibility:
This contest is also only open to registered members. Keep your Lonely Goatherdness to yourself! But do remember that registration is free, and fun!

The Prize:
The winner of this contest will win an item of their choice from the Goats store valued at $25 or less including shipping (with a little slack to cover international delivery if needed).

The Deadline:
All entries must be submitted to this thread by Friday, April 2nd 2004. No entries will be accepted by email.

The Judging:
Tynic has graciously agreed to cojudge this with me. We will be strictly enforcing the word limit, and judging entries based on humor, style, and content. Bonus points may be awarded for entries that cause our pervy senses to tingle without tripping our squick alarms.

Howmanywordsdoesthissentencecountas?

Cheers,
Graham

In Response to albionsoft (#14930):

None.

i'm confused. an 200 word essay that tells a story? first, its very difficult to write an essay in 200 words. they generally require more substance than that. second, wouldn't the story of neil and bob's origin be just that, a story? i.e. not an essay, which is usually objective and used to prove a point? if the task were to provide an argument about why a reader's theory about the meeting were correct, then it would be an essay.

i put my picky pants on this morning.
don't hate me because i'm an english major.

The Sphacelation Wars threatened Credenza 9. The Zebu King battled Rectoids; attacks failed until discovering their weakness: hamster insertion. The King's scientists perfected PopTart warpdrives, allowing them to sneak through hyperspace. As prophecied, only the insertion of a Doom Hamster would bring triumph over the Rectoids’ awesome cranial cleavage.

A comely gynandrocephalopod, "Mom", was a courtier presciently anticipating her natal task: bearing the King's offspring, genetically designed to exploit the Rectoids' weakness. In a mucosal extravaganza, Mom and King conceived twin Saviors of Zebu, named for historic slobbery acts of regal kneeling and bobbing.

Possessing Hamster Technology, refined through Dungeons And Hamsters RPGing, the twins prepared. From Sedna, they readied the Doom Hamster. Cloaked in the PopTart warpfield, piloting their saucer into the heart (and cleft) of Rectoid Headquarters, momentary remorseful pangs stayed Bob’s hand at the launcher’s controls. But devious Neil released the Rodent Torpedoes. Inserting their payload into the Supreme Rectoid's cranial cleft, they ended the Wars-- except for Rectoid retribution involving destruction of a nearby trivial planet in the PopTart matrix.

The twins retired to a parallel incarnation of this trivial planet, enjoying chaotic sweaty papal debauchery... with occasional nostalgic sessions of Dungeons and Hamsters.

In Response to goat_girl (#15020):

That's a nice pair of picky pants...

But don't let them stop you from entering. I'm sure they'd look great with a Surly T-shirt!

In Response to Teledildonix (#15021):

Someone prove they can do better than this, and I'LL give them a prize. a MYSTERY prize.

In Response to Teledildonix (#15021):

Only 198 words.

Who says Tele* can't be brief when he needs to be?

In Response to Teledildonix (#15021):

Well there goes my idea of using the Rectoids. Damn you Teledildonix! :-)
Wait though, doesn't 'RPGing' get you disqualified???

In Response to Deathalicious (#15037):

Points lost for not using the full 200 words allowed.

In Response to FeldmanSkitzoid (#15172):

No.

Particularly if he's the only entry...

Bob sat in the doctors office watching the nubile young aliens chatter amongst themselves. He sighed as he thought of his youth. The antics that he and his buddies had preformed were quite shocking in his day. As he watched the youngins wander about waiting for their physicals, he noticed a shy, introverted boy-alien sitting off by himself.

He watched as the boy sat alone. Bob began to feel like this boy was a younger version of himself. The more he watched the boys interactions with the other youths, the more Bob felt that he had a connection with this boy. The boys young and tender body cried out to Bob, and he could stand the anticipation no longer. He stood to walk over to the boy, when he heard a loud sound behind his head.

Waking up, on the Mass Transport System (MTS), Bob was quite shaken. He thought of his dream. He wondered if he should mention it to his girlfriend Bobba. As he sat in the MTS, he thought about what this could mean about his burgeoning sexuality. He felt a long stare coming from across the bench. Bob looked up, and into Neil’s wanting eyes.

In Response to michele9993 (#15182):

Ahh... such pathos; such angst; such romantic suggestions of... hey, wait a minute! Have you been watching A Very Special Episode of DeGrassi Junior High?!

In Response to Teledildonix (#15210):

Neil and Bob were on Degrassi?!?

That would put Jon and Phillip almost up onto the H-list.

Long long ago, in a galaxy far, far, away...
      The Cosmic Cattle of Moomu took great pleasure in mutilating and anally probing aliens who looked suspiciously like gray fetuses.
        Those aliens fled the galaxy, eventually making their way to the Milky Way, where, to avenge their ancestral humiliation, took to mutilating earthly cattle and anally probing earthly sentients. Especially Dick Cheney.
          The next generation they used the sentients' names, mocking the humans. Neil was named for Neil Armstrong, who made so much of a simple jaunt to a nearby moon. Bob was named for Bob Newhart (Bob's mother loved the NEWHART show and petitioned the high-muck-a-muck to destroy Earth when it was revealed all to be a dream by the Bob Newhart of the earlier show.)
        Bob and Neil met at a science fiction convention, (one of the few places they can walk around without drawing stares) debating who were lamer and more anal-retentive, the Superman fans or the X-Men fans. It was a draw.
        United in their contempt for humankind, they sit back, making cutting remarks at humankind while eating tortilla chips and picante sauce.
Al of MINDMISTRESS [keenspace.com].

         

In Response to alschroeder (#15212):

it was revealed all to be a dream by the Bob Newhart of the earlier show

Best. Newhart. Ever.

I think i've always enjoyed hearing the voice of Edna Krabappel on The Simpsons because i thought Marcia Wallace was the funniest actor in the original Bob Newhart series. Whenever i hear her dulcet tones, i keep picturing that tight 70s perm.

Not too long left, people, hurry it up. Set your strange little creative minds to work.

(Of course, having only three entries makes Zamph's and my job a lot easier. But don't let our potential pain get in the way of your endeavour. No, really. We can cope ... struggling through without so much as an automated word-count function ... obsessively checking alternate spellings and possessive apostrophes ... wading through the knee-deep murk of your prose without so much as a life-jacket ... we'll be fine ...)

In Response to tynic (#15285):

You martyr yourself so much, Mel Gibson will be contacting you soon to do, "Passion of the Sentient Citrus". *Grin*
--Al

In Response to alschroeder (#15303):

What can we say.. the universe of the sentient citria is pain and suffering.

In Response to zamphir (#15304):

You sound like an advertisement for furniture polish.

Neil and Bob, spawned from
Sweaty, gay, pedantic sex
between Hiaku judges.

In Response to deerboy (#15321):

... oh dear.

In Response to tynic (#15322):

You don't have to be gay (or sweaty) to kneal-and-bob.

In Response to tynic (#15322):

Just be thankful he didn't submit his t-shirt entry.

In Response to Teledildonix (#15324):

cough cough [m-w.com]

In Response to deerboy (#15321):

What's Hiaku?