This is another unofficial contest, sponsored by me. Jon and Phillip will deny everything about this contest, if only as a matter of principle.

The Contest:
Write a haiku that praises or flames any minor Goats character. For purposes of this contest, a minor character is anyone other than Jon, Phillip, Toothgnip, Diablo, or Fish. All entries must have a 7/5/7 syllable count.

Eligibility:
This contest is only open to registered users. Entries from Lonely Goatherd will be ignored, and scorned. Registration, however, IS free.

The Prizes:
There will be three winners of this contest chosen. Each winner will receive the item of their choice from the Goats store valued at $25 or less including shipping (but some slack available for international shipping).
   
The Deadline:
All entries must be submitted here no later than Midnight (EST) on Friday, February 6th 2004. That's two weeks from today. Entries will not be accepted by email this time.

The Judging:
The judges are me and Albionsoft. We'll pick the three entries we like the best, based on the following:

• how well the entry fits the contest
• humor/humour
• personal tastes of the judges
• useage of imagery

Enter as often as you like, but we will only award one prize per person.

For what it is worth
haiku has a five, seven
five syllable count

I still want to play
hot buttered laps with Lori and
Greta. Sounds slippery!
[toyomasu.com]

Just a clarification..
Do you mean 5/7/5 (the Haiku format we all know and love) or 7/5/7 (the bizarre mutation)?

You said 7/5/7, so I'm inclined to believe that's what you want, being a man of your word (or possibly a 40-year-old woman of your word since this is the internet), but I figured I'd make sure before I held you to that.

In Response to themysticalone (#13221):

No. I meant 5/7/5.

I'm just Extra Stupid this morning.

The judges are me and Albionsoft.

As a former staff member of both the Middle School and High School literary magazines, I feel it only fair to offer my mad skillz in poem dissectation.

Plus, seeing as I won the last contest and would be a real jerk if I submitted to this one (or would at least have to face the crushing humility of defeat), this is pretty much the only safe way for me to participate.

In Response to Deathalicious (#13224):

Um.

I guess it's up to Albionsoft.

I'm not particularly looking for another judge - it gets somewhat difficult getting a consenus with two people.

On the other hand, having a trifecta would make it easier. We each pick the one we like best, and that gives us three winners.

To-The-Death Cage Match to resolve any overlaps, of course.

Graham?

Although there are countless interpretations and guidelines that vary from one language to another, most Haiku traditionally respects these four principles:

1. Syllabification: First line has five syllables, second line has seven, final has five (apparently this makes more sense in Japanese.) Generally there is a division at the end of either the first or second line: usually a semi-colon, an ellipsis, or a long dash, cutting the Haiku into two parts. This rule is almost invariably followed in any language.

2. Relation to Reality: The poetry may be considered "truer to reality" if there is no specific center of interest in it. This rule is rather subjective, as any reader may form their own impression of relevance.

3. Impression of Daily Life: The poet's first impression of topics taken from daily life is hopefully conveyed to the reader. This rule is also somewhat subjective, as everyone's life is different; but its purpose is to attempt to convey imagery that is as universally identifiable as possible.

4. Seasonal Theme: This rule is probably the one most often ignored by non-Japanese Haiku authors. In many Far Eastern cultures, the four seasons (ordered as Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter) are often symbolically represented by one of the following means: a direction of the wind (East, South, West, North); a type of vegetation (Cherry or Plum Blossom, Orchid or Peach, Chrysanthemum or Sunflower, Bamboo or Lotus); or an ascetic occupation (Fisherman, Woodcutter, Farmer, Scholar). There are also numerous other variations of animals, plants, objects and activities which have these types of seasonal correspondences.

I know that some readers of this forum live in the Southern Hemisphere; but i happen to be located in the Northern, where it is currently mid-winter, so i would like to include an appropriate reference. Here is my first entry:

my killer robot
skullfucked your honor student...
holistic knowledge

I am by no means an expert on any of these topics (Haiku, Eastern symbology, Japanese poetry, et cetera) and i am only sharing what little i have gathered over the years from reading the works of others, and from a small fascination with the pseudo-oracular themes of Mah Jongg. As a pragmatic realist, it's my nature to be dismissive of things like religion, astrology, superstition, and other such mumbo-jumbo. However, the last time i toyed with my Mah Jongg cards, they suggested that i would be presented with an academic, literary, or poetic challenge whose solution would best be approached by communicating with distant people, perhaps by sharing ideas with strangers... an interesting coincidence, n'est-ce pas?

In Response to zamphir (#13225):

I guess it's up to Albionsoft.

I'm happy for the Deathly one to come on board.

Welcome to the team.

Cheers,
Graham

My next entry is intended to express my longing for the return of springtime to my locality, as symbolized by fertile activities:

two pals: Neil and Bob...
their sexual preference
blooming insanely

My intention is to now mention autumn and the season of maturity:

falling russet leaves...
forming heaps in which we might
"die, die, fornicate"

And last but not least, summer:

your hose, my plumbing:
spell "hot enema action"...
blow sunshine up mine

Chinese philosophy often suggests that to the four principal directions (E,S,W,N) must be added the Center. This fifth cardinal point is the pivot from which the others radiate; in astrology, it is the Pole Star around which all others travel, the Hub. In Mah Jongg, it is known as Chung, "the Dagger", "the arrow striking the bullseye", and is often called "the Red Dragon". Hence, i submit this Haiku:

enslave all mankind...
neural desensitizer
spawning scott and brooke

Buds poke out their heads
Its time to wander again
I'm Scott Horowitz

In Response to Teledildonix (#13237):

I know unnecessarily long posts are your 'thing', but I can't think of anything more explosively ironic than a full paragraph explanation of a haiku. Perhaps your intellect has far outpaced your understanding?

Breeze, why bring that smell?
These stains will never come out.
Damn Pitariu!

Writhing on the ground,
Both naked and clairvoyant:
"Die, fornicate, die."

Haikus must have mention of seasons if I am correct so...

They're no funyun whores
Speak and Spell tells Chessmaster:
Spell oregano

Maybe I meant seasonings

Ahh, the character who got me in to goats

Gregor Mendel knows
How to breed pea plants for height
The world, his oyster

In Response to deerboy (#13241):

I can't think of anything more explosively ironic than a full paragraph explanation of a haiku.

1. I'm pretty sure you are capable of thinking of things that are far more ironic.

2. We had a Haiku contest [goats.com] last year; and aside from their syllabification, the vast majority of the entries did not actually follow most of the usual conventions of this literary form. I was trying to (A) outline what i believe to be the most commonly acknowledged guidelines, (B) indicate the reasons for my choices of poetic imagery, and (C) engender a discussion on the topic.

I know unnecessarily long posts are your 'thing'

You are the latest member to chide [goats.com] me [goats.com] for the length [goats.com] of my [goats.com] posts [goats.com]. What gives? The last time i looked at the goats: forums [goats.com] page, i noticed that it specifically instructs us to "discuss and comment". Maybe i've got the wrong idea, but i always thought that "discussion" was an activity that involved me (1) listening to what everybody else has to say, (2) contemplating anything appropriate that i have in response, and (3) giving my thoughts in return. So why do my comments keep getting branded as "long-winded" and "unnecessarily long"? Why are my remarks regarded as too verbose, when there are plenty of other people around here who have contributed many times more words and comments than i?

Perhaps your intellect has far outpaced your understanding?

Please accept my apologies if this sounds too defensive, and try to forgive me if i've somehow misinterpreted people's intent; but i'd really like to know why i'm being decried as "intellectually outpaced"? According to my stats [goats.com], i have never been down-modded for "Redundant" comments. In fact, i have only received one single down-mod [goats.com] ever; and in that particular instance, i was called "Stupid" when i was in fact being totally and completely truthful.

I've been a member for just over a year. I've read every single post in that time, as well as most of the discussions that took place before my arrival. I have paid extra close attention to the way this community functions, i've heeded everybody's advice concerning Karma, democratic conduct, and the dynamics of what people supposedly appreciate around here. I've posted just over two hundred comments, i've scored thirty-six "+1" modifications, and one single "-1" mod. Yet somehow, despite following all the guidelines, i get the distinct impression that there is a prevailing sentiment being conveyed (sometimes jovially, sometimes rather bluntly) that my remarks are unwelcome. With the exception of just three or four friendly individuals with whom i've had private conversations, there is an overwhelming sense of hostility. This does not make sense to me.

Gertrude Stein once said, "Remarks are not literature." But i have no desire to sound similar to Stein. I wish to speak with my own voice, in a manner that i consider to be friendly and chatty.

So maybe you're right: maybe my understanding has been "outpaced". Maybe what everybody thinks about my 'thing' is coming through loud and clear. Maybe you'll point out to everyone that this post here is also "unnecessarily" verbose and "long-winded". Go right ahead.

Now i feel surly.

In Response to Teledildonix (#13249):

Oh, Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ.

I'm really sorry for ranting like that. I think i had unresolved issues elsewhere, and i unnecessarily vented in this forum. If this was inappropriate, i am sincerly sorry, i apologize to deerboy and everybody else.

Plus, i realized that i did in fact have one "Redundant" mod in the past. But the moderator of that particular post happened to subsequently post their own comments in that discussion, thus "erasing" my "-1" modification. Mea culpa.

Now i feel like such a crybaby loudmouth jackass for flying of the handle like this. Hopefully, you'll all just ignore me (as is probably the case most of the time) and get back to the topic at hand.

In an effort to make amends, i offer a joke, and another Haiku.

Joke:

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed in an earthquake, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start an earthquake?" he asked.

Haiku:

lori is undead...
spring, summer, autumn, winter,
she just wants more brains

In Response to Teledildonix (#13251):

teledildonix
constantly blabbing too much...
shazam twix relates

In Response to deerboy (#13241):

The thing Teledildonix really has to watch out for is that he's burying his haikus amidst a swarm of other, somewhat less relevant, text.

Which will make it harder for us judges to review when we go to make final choices.

Other than that, I see no problems with his oratation.

Well, except for when it causes people to try and sidetrack the thread by discussing the fact that he's making lenghty posts.

Springtime arts and crafts
"The Ringo stole my clay-bee"
Boundless pun-ishment.

Mind in late Autumn.
Scratching sex ads on napkins.
Hope springs eternal.

Lauren and Megan
Seasons turn to years waiting
Widowers to beer.