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Punchlines for Us, Prizes for You! (103 comments)
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Punchlines for Us, Prizes for You!

in Pop Culture by Colin

Monday, October 07, 2002 - 10:21 AM

Goat-herders, goats-lovers and associated trades-people, lend me your ears! Please allow me to introduce myself:

Name's Colin and my measurements are 36-24-36. Turn ons: Pina Coladas, long walks in the rain and installing puppet regimes in third-world countries. Turn offs: Poorly-dressed ninjas.

In case any of you missed it, the world's funniest joke was just chosen by the fine folks at LaughLab, a year-long experiment, lead by British psychology professor, Richard Wiseman. Read on for more about the experiment and Goats' first ever "Best Punchline in the History of the Universe Contest". With Prizes!

LaughLab polled thousands of people across the globe to rate the relative "humor value" of a set catalogue of jokes; and they could add their own as well. Some interesting facts about the LaughLab study: British, Irish, Australians and New Zealanders favored jokes that relied heavily on wordplay, while Americans and Canadians seemed to prefer humor that made either a character look stupid or was made to appear stupid by someone else. Continental Europeans, however, enjoyed jokes with more of a surreal bent, which explains the French love affair with Jerry Lewis.

The winner was the below shaggy-dog story:

"A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: 'OK, now what?'"

Yes, yes, very funny. If you like that kind of thing, of course.

Personally, the best punch line to a joke I ever heard was; "Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch pianist?" Is there a better gag then that? I don't think so, but let's see if I'm wrong. The good people of Goats want to reach out of touch their audience, hear what they have to say and find out what they think is the best payoff in the history of all that's funny and good. Post your gag in the forum below and the Grand Pooh-Bah most perfect punch line will win the sender the honest to goodness "Holy MacGuffin," last seen in the wacky ennui-sponsored museum hijinks of Neil and Bob. What is the "Holy MacGuffin," you ask? If you're funny, true believer, you'll find out.

UPDATE: After deep consultation with Jon and Phillip (who, upon the stroke of midnight, descend into the sewers to fight crime as The Amazing Scriver and Tron, the Cyber-Slayer), we've decided to have not just one winner, but three! The prizes are as follows:

Best Gag in the Known Universe*
Worst Gag in the Known Universe*
Gag That Makes Us Not Want To Ever Meet You In Person, 'Cause You're No Doubt Really Creepy

Only the BGINKU will win the coveted MacGuffin. The WGITKU will win something shameful and disgraceful and the GTMUNWTEMYIPCYNDRC award will win the person an FBI profile!

Look for the winning trio to be announced Monday, October 14th!

Via Con Dios!

*Statement void in Alaska and Hawaii

jon
jon
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From: Your Mom

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Re: Punchlines for Us, Prizes for You! (Score: 3, Informative)
posted Monday, October 07, 2002 - 11:10 AM (#2117)
For those of you wondering just who the hell Colin is and what he's doing posting to the Goats site, well, we're wondering that as well.

Colin is a buddy of ours; he's the playwright behind the smash Off-Broadway hit "Sunday In The Shower With Seymour [yellowkitc...ctions.org]" and plays the best Oedipus I've been privileged to see. If you missed it, there's probably no reason for you to go on living.

Colin will be posting things to the site from time to time as the muse comes to him. Why? Because he loves you, dammit.
--
"I don't wanna be an inventor. I wanna be something useful like a teacher's aide or a prison guard or a science-fiction cartoon writer." - Cubert Farnsworth
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zamphir
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Re: Punchlines for Us, Prizes for You! (Score: 2, Funny)
posted Monday, October 07, 2002 - 08:08 PM (#2130)
Just the other week, one of my coworkers came in on Monday with a black eye.

Now, for a lot of people this might not be an unusual occurance. But this guy, let's call him Ken, is a real milquetoast. I mean, he'll take cockroaches outside instead of stepping on them.

So we all waited to see what he'd say. Finally, after lunch, when he'd kept his mouth shut all morning, we asked him.

Us: "Hey, Ken. Where'd you get that shiner?"
Ken: "I got it in church."
Us: "What???? Church? How could anyone, and especially you, get a black eye at church?"

Ken:
"Well, here's what happens. I go to church and take my usual pew. A huge fat woman comes in and sits down in front of me. I notice her mainly because she's wearing the ugliest flower dress I've ever seen, and I can't believe anyone would make that much fabric that ugly, that it could make a dress for this woman.

So we're going through the usual motions at church, standing, stitting, kneeling, and etc. I notice early on that her dress is stuck in the crack of her ass. And every time she stands, I see that it's gotten pushed further and further up into her crack.

Finally, I can't stand it anymore, and lean forward and pull her dress out. Boy howdy, she turns around quick as a flash, and wails me solid in my eye. "

Us: "Wow. Makes us glad we don't usually go to church. Just stay away from that lady, you here? "

So a week goes by, and it's Monday again. Ken comes in late, and by golly, he's got a SECOND black eye. And still, he doesn't say anything all morning.

So, after lunch we try again.
Us: "Ken. Don't tell us, you got this other black eye in church too."
Ken: "Yeah, I did. Same lady, too."
Us: "Ken, ken, ken. We told you to stay away from her..."
Ken: "I know, I know. I tried, I really did. But I came in late, and the only seat I could find was right behind her.

So it's the same problem, she's got that same ugly dress on, and it's stuck in the crack of her ass. She's standing, and sitting, and kneeling, and that dress just keeps getting stuck further and further up her crack.

Finally, the guy next to me can't stand it anymore, so he leans forward and pulls her dress out.

Now, I know she doesn't like that. So I leans forward, quick as I can so the guy next to me doesn't get clocked, and I tucks it right back in ".


--
Ain't nobody here but us turkeys [youtube.com]
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Lonely Goatherd
Lonely Goatherd
Re: Punchlines for Us, Prizes for You! (Score: 0)
posted Monday, October 07, 2002 - 08:32 PM (#2131)
In Response to zamphir (#2130):

So two aliens land at an out-of-the-way gas station. The pumps are of the old school variety, with circular faces and dials in the middle. For your average space alien, this could easily be mistaken as a representative of the human race.

The first alien saunters up to the pump, and says, "take me to your leader." The gas pump just sits there. So the first alien pulls out his positron blaster, and says "Look, if you dont take me to your punk-ass leader, im going to blow you away." The gas pump, of course just sits there.

The second alien pulls on the arm of the first, urging him not to fire. "This guy is a real badass, dont mess with him, man." The first alien ignores him, counts down from 10, and nails the gas pump where it hurts. The exploding fuel flings both aliens back several hundred feet.

The second alien comes running up to the first, asking if he's hurt. The first replies "no, man! But you were right, that guy WAS a badass! how'd you know?"

The second alien says "Man, i dont care WHAT planet you're from! If you can take your dick, wrap it around your waist, and stick it in your ear, YOU'RE PRETTY BADASS!"
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Lonely Goatherd
Lonely Goatherd
Re: Punchlines for Us, Prizes for You! (Score: 0)
posted Monday, October 07, 2002 - 10:12 PM (#2133)
A doctor is walking through the mental asylum on his daily rounds, and happens to strike up a conversation with a lively young chap, who is marching around his padded cell with one hand in his jacket, and mumbling something about exile. Anyhoo, this guy seems to have the impression that he is in fact, Napoleon Bonapart. "so, how do you know you're Napoleon?" The Doctor asks,
and just after the guy says "god told me" a voice down the corridor yells out "i fucking well did not!"
Or, alternatly
Whats the difference between a gay man and a fridge? You cant keep dead babies in a gay man.
The difference between a Trans-Am and a pile of dead babies? i dont have a trans-am in my garage..
and finally, george bush and ossama bin laden are having a converation regarding ossamas nephews love of star trek. Ossama brings up a problem that has plauged his nephew for many years."[insert accent where needed] So, my nephew was just wondering, you know, on star trek, theres an asian, an african american, freakin british, a swiss chic and the stupid scottish guy, but no arabs? Why is this?" and George bush leans over and says "thats cause its set in the future...."
Yeah, they were crap, thats why im posting anonymously
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azazael
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Re: Punchlines for Us, Prizes for You! (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, October 08, 2002 - 12:06 AM (#2134)
Favorite punchline sans joke:

"...and that's when I killed him, your honor."

-----
"I may be a geek, but I'm a geek with a purpose."
-j.g. thirlwell
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TheCyborgWeasel
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The New Rooster in the Coop (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, October 08, 2002 - 09:34 AM (#2137)
One early morning, the aging rooster noticed that the farmer had purchased another rooster and placed him in the yard among all the chickens.

While he was indeed aging, he didn't want to be replaced... so he challenged the new rooster to a race of ten laps around the hen house. The loser would have to leave the farm. The young rooster knew he could win, so he accepted the challenge, and even granted the old rooster a one lap handicap.

They started the race and the old rooster was doing fairly well, given his age, but his stamina was wearing out quickly. By about the fourth lap, all of the chickens had gathered around and were clucking up a storm. The farmer heard the ruckus and guessed that there was a weasel in the hen house. He grabbed his rifle and walked outside.

As the farmer reached the hen house, the young rooster was about to pass the old rooster. The farmer took aim and BLAM! He blew the young rooster away.

As he walked back into the house he called out to his wife, "Well, damn... If that ain't the third gay rooster I've bought this month!"

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Lonely Goatherd
Lonely Goatherd
Re: Punchlines for Us, Prizes for You! (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, October 08, 2002 - 09:55 AM (#2139)
Heard this punchline a million times:

"Rectum?!? Dang near killed 'em!"

So, anyone know what the joke is?
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jon
jon
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Log In, Please (Score: 3, Informative)
posted Tuesday, October 08, 2002 - 10:00 AM (#2140)
In Response to Lonely Goatherd (#2131):

Folks, make sure you're logged in when you post your jokes. Otherwise, if you win the contest, there's no way for us to identify you when we give out the prize.
--
"I don't wanna be an inventor. I wanna be something useful like a teacher's aide or a prison guard or a science-fiction cartoon writer." - Cubert Farnsworth
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GreatNeb
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Re: Punchlines for Us, Prizes for You! (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, October 08, 2002 - 10:17 AM (#2141)
In Response to jon (#2117):

Here goes nothing:

A blind man enters a Women's Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things...
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Incarnadine
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An appropriately themed joke. (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, October 08, 2002 - 11:10 AM (#2142)
This is one of my favorite punch lines ever.

One day two guys are out hiking in the woods, and they come across this large, deep hole in the ground. They're peering into it, trying to figure out how deep it is, but they can't see the bottom. So the first guy says "I know, I'll throw in this pebble, and we can count how many seconds it takes to hit the bottom." So he throws in the pebble, they listen, listen... nothing. They never hear it hit. So the second guy walks off a bit, and comes back struggling with a small boulder. "We'll surely hear this hit!" he says. With that, he struggles to the edge of the pit, and heaves the boulder over the side. The two men listen... keep listening... nothing, after 30 seconds. The first guy is getting mad now. He storms off into the woods, and after a few minutes pass, comes back dragging a railroad tie. He asks his friend for some help, and together they pick up the railroad tie, and heave it over the edge. They're standing by the edge of the pit, listening for it to hit, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a goat comes running at them, top speed. As they look up at it in surprise, the goat runs right past them, directly into the pit. After not hearing either the railroad tie or the goat hit bottom, the two are standing there scratching their heads and trying to figure out what happened, when a farmer comes walking out of the woods and addresses them. "Hey, you two wouldn't have happened to see a goat pass by here by any chance, would you?" One of the men speaks up and says, "Yeah, it was the damnedest thing... we were standing here by this pit, when suddenly, a goat came running at us top speed and ran right into the pit!" The farmer looks at him and laughs, and turns for home. As he starts to leave, he calls back over his shoulder, "Oh, don't worry, then. That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was tied to a railroad tie."
--
"I seem to be having tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle" -Arthur Dent
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samayg
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Re: Punchlines for Us, Prizes for You! (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, October 08, 2002 - 01:12 PM (#2143)
So a guy walks into a bar, and he's extremely depressed, and goes up to the bartender and asks him for the strongest stuff he's got. So the Bartender pulls out the Rum 151, but the guy stops him. "No," he says, "I need something stronger than that." The bartender looks at him and says "Well, we have one thing, but trust me, you really don't want it." "Look," says the guy, "Just give it to me." So the bartender goes way back, picks up a bottle, and pours the guy a shot. "Leave the bottle" says the guy. blah blah drunk blah
The next morning, the guy walks back into the bar, goes up to the bartender and says "What the hell did you give me last night? I woke up this morning and I was blowing chunks!"
The bartender says "Well, puking happens if you get as drunk as you did."
And the guy says -
"No, you don't get it CHUNKS IS MY DOG!!!!!!!"
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Dynedain
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Re: Punchlines for Us, Prizes for You! (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, October 08, 2002 - 03:46 PM (#2144)
In Response to Lonely Goatherd (#2139):

please say your just trolling......

the punchline is the joke - say it outloud, you'll get it
--
But do you ever see a person leave a cathedral toting a to-go box?

Coffins don't count.
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mea37
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Re: Punchlines for Us, Prizes for You! (Score: 3, Funny)
posted Tuesday, October 08, 2002 - 04:01 PM (#2145)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his crotch. He walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Uh, hey, do you know you have a steering wheel in your crotch?" To which the pirate replies...

"Arrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
--
Constants might be the only universal irony
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An_Arkist
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Re: Punchlines for Us, Prizes for You! (Score: 2, Pathetic)
posted Tuesday, October 08, 2002 - 06:29 PM (#2148)
Two atoms are walking down the street coming from opposite directions. One bumps into the other and knocks him(?) to the ground. As he's pulling the other atom to his feet he asks:
1: are you okay?
  to which the other replies:
2: no i think i lost an electron.
1: are you sure?
2: yeah i'm positive.
--
"... and now He is the infernalest, wickedest scoundrel in his native village, and is universally respected, and belongs
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tor
tor
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Let the wordplay commence (Score: 3, Pathetic)
posted Tuesday, October 08, 2002 - 07:05 PM (#2149)
How do you start a Bee race?
One, two, bee, go!

How do you start a Teddy Bear race?
Ready, Teddy, go!

How do you start a samurai race?
ich, ni, san, go!

oh I kill me (saves others the work)
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Lonely Goatherd
Lonely Goatherd
Re: Punchlines for Us, Prizes for You! (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, October 08, 2002 - 07:25 PM (#2150)
I like the old "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?" riddle.

-m, or "interrupting cow", 'cos it makes the kids laugh
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Lonely Goatherd
Lonely Goatherd
Re: Punchlines for Us, Prizes for You! (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, October 08, 2002 - 07:31 PM (#2151)
Wait ... this contest is unnecessary. The best punchline ever is easily "The ringo stole my clay bee"

:)

-Shrey
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tor
tor
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Re: Punchlines for Us, Prizes for You! (Score: 4, Funny)
posted Tuesday, October 08, 2002 - 07:36 PM (#2152)
Joe is sentenced to life in prison. He is put in with all these real old lifers. Dinner time comes around and he goes down with his cell mate, Craig, and they're sitting there eating. It's a pretty casual atmosphere when suddenly one of the old boys yells out "A63". Everyone erupts into laughter. Pretty soon another guy yells "M12", again with the laughter. Craig almost falls out of his chair. People are rolling around hysterically. Joe is mystified but keeps his mouth shut til afterwards. When he's back in the cell he asks Craig what was going on.

Craig explains "See we've all been here so long we have heard each others jokes over and over. At one point we started just yelling punchlines like "Frayed knot!" and "You're an ambulance". We decided to classify all the jokes. So for example an "A" is a genie joke and 63 is the one "you mean they're gone and I still get a wish", 48 is the Irishman saying "I'll have another bottle like that" and so on. An "M" is a pun so 12 is "A ringo stole my clay bee".

Joe knows he's here for a while and is going to have to fit in. So he studies and learns all the jokes.

The big day comes, Joe is sitting at breakfast, he's nervous, palms a tad sweaty. A few jokes have been told. It's time. He thinks "the gay magician that disappeared with a poof", he yells "P12". Nothing. The room goes quiet.

Craig leans over and whispers "It's not the joke man, it's how you tell it"
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JoeClark
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Re: Punchlines for Us, Prizes for You! (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, October 08, 2002 - 09:03 PM (#2154)
I want to die quietly in my sleep like my poor old granddaddy. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

An oldy but still one of the best.
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Dynedain
Dynedain
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Re: Punchlines for Us, Prizes for You! (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, October 08, 2002 - 09:09 PM (#2155)
Q: There is a gay rights convention in San Francisco, and so two groups leave from Vermont on a roadtrip. Which gets there first? The car full of lesbians or the car of gay guys?

A: The lesbians. They were doing 69 the whole way while the guys were still packing their shit.
--
But do you ever see a person leave a cathedral toting a to-go box?

Coffins don't count.
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Dynedain
Dynedain
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Re: Punchlines for Us, Prizes for You! (Score: 2, Funny)
posted Tuesday, October 08, 2002 - 09:10 PM (#2156)
This guy goes into the doctor claiming an emergency. The doctor asks him what's wrong, to which the guy replies "My dick has turned orange!" After examining him and researching the medical journals, the doctor is at his wits end. Its been hours without result and the man, getting impatient says, "I gotta get going Doc. I'm late. There's a special on the Playboy channel tonight and I'm out of Cheetos."
--
But do you ever see a person leave a cathedral toting a to-go box?

Coffins don't count.
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Dynedain
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Re: Punchlines for Us, Prizes for You! (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, October 08, 2002 - 09:23 PM (#2157)
2 gold miners are out in the woods at their mine, miles and miles from civilization and their food supply has run out.

Jeb: There's nothing left, we're gonna have eat our donkey.

Skeeter: No! Not Bill! We can't kill him!

Jeb: 'fraid so. Its either him or you.

Skeeter: Well allright....but he deserves a quick painless death.

Jeb: Fine. You take the gun, and when I say to, shoot him in the head.

As soon as Skeeter fetched the gun, Jeb scrambled under the donkey and proceeded to give it a handjob. After a few moments of vigorous stroking,

Jeb: Shoot him! Shoot him now before he shoots me!

Skeeter shoots (instantly making a gravy of the donkey's brains)

**sound of dead donkey droping to the ground**

Skeeter: That was a right fine thing you did for him Jeb. Giving him a final moment of hapiness and all.

Jeb: Final moment of hapiness? Hell, I was just trying to get us an extra three pounds of meat!

 
--
But do you ever see a person leave a cathedral toting a to-go box?

Coffins don't count.
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Dynedain
Dynedain
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Re: Punchlines for Us, Prizes for You! (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, October 08, 2002 - 09:33 PM (#2158)
Two Polish guys are walking down the street in Prague.

P2: I don't get it. Everyone makes fun of us Poles being stupid. Why do they pick on us like this?

P1: Here, let me show you.

P1 places his and on a nearbye wall.

P1: Hit my hand.

P2 lashes out, and at the last second P1 jerks his hand away, letting P2 slam his fist full force into the brick wall.

P1: Understand now?

P2(nursing his hand): Yeah, I got it.

A day or so later, P2 is walking through some fields with a friend who brings up the same question.

P3: Why does everyone think we are stupid?

P2: A guy just showed me this the other day.

He looks around for second and then puts his hand in front of his face.

P2: Here; Hit my hand.
--
But do you ever see a person leave a cathedral toting a to-go box?

Coffins don't count.
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Dynedain
Dynedain
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Re: Punchlines for Us, Prizes for You! (Score: 2, Pathetic)
posted Tuesday, October 08, 2002 - 09:40 PM (#2159)
In Response to Dynedain (#2158):

Sorry folks, I know Prague is in the Czech Republic, but my mind was running blank and it was the first eastern European city name that filled the void. I should have said Krakow or something.
--
But do you ever see a person leave a cathedral toting a to-go box?

Coffins don't count.
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wheat_beer
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Re: Punchlines for Us, Prizes for You! (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, October 09, 2002 - 12:57 AM (#2163)
In Response to Lonely Goatherd (#2151):

I prefer "I also have the garlic powder."

- Iain
--
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