A Very Special Goats Press Release

I'm...touched...to be singled out as your stupidest user.

Thanks, Anbinder. The next time we're at the Peculier, I'll let you bleed to death.

In Response to moz (#1935):

It was, indeed, Anbinder's fault. He said you'd enjoy it.

For those of you feeling left out, the press release was written by Beeeej [goats.com], a.k.a. Jeff Anbinder, one of our co-conspirators. He is an evil man. I'll try to post his original version later, which was much, much worse.

Thought you guys might like to see what the original version of the press release looked like, as written by Beeeej. The process of getting a press release issued was an interesting one, and we had to make some sacrifices -- some for length, some for legal reasons, and some to meet journalistic standards. Anyway, here's what might have been....

"GOATS.COM" ANNOUNCES SUBSCRIPTION PROGRAMS
Members Will Receive Extra Benefits; Cheapskates Still Get to Freeload

For Immediate Release

Goats, LLC announced today that "Goats" (http://www.goats.com), one of the earliest and most popular online comic strips, will become the first independent online strip to offer a paid subscription service where members actually get extra original content, and they will do it without taking away free content from long-time readers, so stop whining.

"Goats" cartoonist and creator Jon Rosenberg - a former member of Dexy's Midnight Runners - outlined the subscription benefits this morning at a press conference attended by his fiancee and several cats. "Premium Members will have access to all sorts of incredibly exciting features, including super-sized Sunday strips; 'Ask the Animals,' a daily advice column by our three main non-human characters, Diablo, Toothgnip, and Fish; a members-only discussion forum where they can hobnob away from the unwashed masses; discounts on Goats merchandise; and a completely banner-ad-free Goats experience." The price, Rosenberg said, will be $20/year - less than 6 cents/day.

After beta tests where members were asked to mail in six cents a day proved slightly less than efficient, Goats partner and programmer Phillip Karlsson developed a convenient web interface for users to join the new subscription service. Speaking by teleconference from Peru, where he was vacationing with Barbara Walters, Karlsson added, "If I could program it, I guarantee you even our stupidest user can use it." Goats.com's stupidest user, John Mozena of Grosse Pointe Woods, MI, was unavailable for comment.

Rosenberg, who was visibly intoxicated, also outlined the new "Super-Premium Membership," which will include all the benefits of Premium membership, plus a 2002 Year-End "Care Package." Current plans are for the package to include a limited edition "mystery t-shirt," an original character sketch (member's choice of character), member's choice of Goats paperback book, a set of four Goats buttons, five Goats stickers, ten Goats tattoos, and the very impressive-sounding Certificate of Member-ness. Super-Premium Membership will cost $60/year, or "less than dinner, a movie, and a blowjob," said Rosenberg.

Goats will continue to add new features, services, and content to both the Premium and Super-Premium membership options.

Selfish readers who choose to forego supporting the arts via paid membership will continue to enjoy free access to regular thrice-weekly strips as they're released, the entire archive of free strips, the regular discussion forums, and their smug delusions of superiority stemming from the belief that everything on the web should be free, no matter how much it costs for us to provide, you misguided freaks who claim you're libertarians when really you're just tightwads.

About Goats, LLC

The comic strip "Goats" revolves around a somewhat fictionalized version of Rosenberg's and Karlsson's lives and loves, and also features Toothgnip the womanizing goat, Diablo the satanic chicken, and a rotating cast of other characters. Rosenberg started drawing "Goats" for the web in 1997, and his readers have made it one of the most popular online strips. Goats, LLC and Point E Publishing have also released two collections of "Goats" strips in book form, "Goats Vol. IV: Behold the Power of Ignorance" and "Goats Vol. III: Evil Chickens Don't Kiss," both available at Goats.com and Amazon.com.

"Goats" contains no cholesterol, and has been shown to be an effective dentifrice when used as directed in a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene and regular professional care.

Here's a list of websites where you can see the press release; if you read anything anywhere else, please let us know as we're keen to see if any reputable (or even unreputable) news organizations actually pick up the story. Thanks!

• CBS MarketWatch [marketwatch.com]
• C|Net News.com [cnet.com]
• DallasNews.com [prnewswire.com]
• Finance Canada [canada.com]
• MiamiToday.com [prnewswire.com]
• NBC6.com [prnewswire.com]
• News Alert [newsalert.com]
• PR Newswire [prnewswire.com]
• Silicon Valley Business Ink [prnewswire.com]
• TheEagle.com [prnewswire.com]
• Yahoo! [yahoo.com]

Wow! They'll put anything said by a crackpot on NewsWire these days!

**maniacal laughter**

*Cough* Ahem, um, yeah.... you should probably disregard those comments I made about world domination. Um, Diablo, we'll talk later....yeah....later

Can just anyone make a press release? You don't need some sort of membership badge or credit check or induction into a secret society? You just write something and maybe fill out a form or make a phone call and it appears on news services?

What a great world. I gotta start taking advantage of this.

In Response to misere (#1944):

You just need the money to pay the newswire company to put it on the wire. National releases on the wire will run you a bit less than a thousand bucks.

I, on the other hand, *have* my membership card, so I pay less.

Doctoring spin since 1996,

In Response to moz (#1946):

This is like the funniest press release I believe I have ever seen. It's too bad the part about being visibly intoxicated got dropped.

I keep laughing and everyone thinks I am weird. er.

In Response to wigu (#1949):

I had to cut that bit for length, unfortunately. Every hundred words over the 400-word limit costs mucho dinero.

I'll make up for it by getting visibly intoxicated tonight at the pub.

In Response to jon (#1939):

I noticed at the bottom of some of the releases (NBC6, SV Business,PR Newswire), was a "T" button, which led to an anonymous consumer survey asking how informative the press release was. I, of course, said that it was very informative and met my needs. Does this mean people should go fill out the survey to give future goats press releases higher priority?

I think it's hilarious that this got onto the wire.

But I also have to note that it simply isn't true that you're the first site to set up subscription benefits. Penny Arcade [penny-arcade.com] has been running its Club PA for a while now on a month-to-month basis. The "subscription fee" is basically a donation in any amount over $1, paid each month through PayPal. (I spend $5/month for Club PA, the same rate as Goats Super-Premium, so I cheerfully signed up for S-P. I feel so much cooler than all you freeloaders and regular Premium members! *g*)

The freebies from Club PA and members-only forum were at first fairly lame, but Tycho and Gabe are now promising a complete members-only storyline, Penny Arcade's Over-Easy, a riff on kung fu movies and "hard-boiled" detective stories.

In Response to rmharman (#1953):

I'm familiar with Club PA, but I wouldn't consider that a true subscription system.

With Club PA, you're paying a one-time fee for premium content each month. You may pay that fee every month, but that doesn't make it a subscription.

A subscription entails paying a fee for a series of updates over time. I think about it as the difference between purchasing a magazine at the newsstand each month, or subscribing to it for a year (or multiple years) and having it delivered to your home each month without worry. We even have automatic renewal every year.

This is in no way meant to disparage or belittle what Tycho and Gabe are doing; I think the Club PA system is great. But there are differences in our two systems that I think justify my statement.

Of course, I could be wrong, but that's how it seems to me.

In Response to moz (#1946):

So THAT's where my 20 bucks went...

:)

Chris
3dollarcooler.org- a proud(?) goats.com advertiser [3dollarcooler.org]

In Response to jon (#1955):

What about rsteven's Clango Club? While you don't recieve access to any special content on the website, you do recieve exclusive, nifty objects in the mail, which I prefer. Moreover, you don't have to constantly re-up your payments, as it is (at least in Paypal lingo) a subscription.

In Response to jon (#1939):

In a blatant attempt at self-promotion, I would just like to point out that a short piece (described by one person as an "excellent write up") on the Goats press release has appeared at my little op-ed site, online opinion [onlineopinion.net].

Helping you to help us to help goats. Or something.

Cheers,
Graham

In Response to amorymalk (#1963):

That's why we clarified the statement with the "offering extra original content" bit. The statement is still accurate -- I spent a lot of time poring over what we were going to say there to make sure we weren't stepping on any toes. Our service is focused around content, r's is focused around goodies.

Clango Club [dieselsweeties.com] is pretty sweet, for those of you who are unfamiliar with it. It's worth checking out.

In Response to misere (#1944):

Or, if you don't need/want nationwide distribution, you can easily just make one yourself and mail it off to all your local papers. It's not nearly as official, but it can still get you some publicity. Especially if you send it to the small, really-local papers that get the vast majority of their stories by just printing whatever press releases are faxed/mailed to them. (I work for one of these, we have maybe 5 original articles out of 16-20 pages each month, the rest are press releases.) But many of those try to print local-interest stuff first.

Three Cheers For Tightwads!
I am considering a membership, but not now at least. For it's October already... and that 60$ wouldn't be fully used.
Hopefully in 2003 i'll look under the couch cushions, for some spare change and get a membership.
Let's all keep our fingers crossed.

In Response to Josie37 (#2110):

Memberships run for a full year, no matter when you start them. If you sign up on the 39th of October, 2002, it runs until 39 October 2003.

No worries about it running out early.

In Response to jon (#2113):

Hmm... so, what happens if one signs up on Feb 29, 2004?