I don't think any of the books I've bought have focused exclusively on beer. They always feel a need to have a gratuitous chapter somewhere, where they talk about food.
Unfortunately, I'm not your average beer writer.
I'm a little younger, and a lot lazier, than anybody who has enough motivation to write an entire book. For me it's a struggle just to write this single page once a month... but I persevere for the enjoyment of both my dedicated readers... assuming I have that many... including myself and Jon.
If I wasn't as lazy as I am, I wouldn't like beer as much as I do, and I have a feeling that I'm not alone in those sentiments. In that spirit, there are two major problems with the recipes generally offered:
- They're way too time consuming. If you're lazy enough to be drinking beer instead of doing something productive, you're too lazy to spend the time on those recipes.
- They're too complicated. If you've been sitting around drinking beer instead of being a productive citizen, there's no way you're going to be able to cook those properly.
Actually, we only went to the bar because we forgot most of the recipe in the midst of cooking, but since that negates the point I'm trying to make, I'm going to pretend not to have said it.
I can hear your mind flailing as you struggle to determine what this wonder food might be... so without further adieu:
Burritos.
We received this recipe from Margaret the Bartender. Not only is she a member of the exclusive club of people who feed Jon and myself our liquid sustenance, but she also has a distinguished resume, including once holding the proud position of Goatherd. And if you can't trust someone who's dealt with goats, who can you trust?
The ingredients are simple.
3 lbs of beans. Mix and match, we used 2 lbs of black, and one of pinto, but that's only because it's what we saw first.
2 large containers of salsa. whatever kind you like, this gives them the flavor...we're wussy, and used Medium, real men would have gotten something spicier.
A lot of cheese. We like cheese... so we used a lot of cheddar... if you're
more reasonable than us you shouldn't need more than a couple of pounds.
50 tortillas. This is a lie. We only used 48, but they came in packs of 8....so we rounded down..and had large quantities of left-over beans.
Get a large pot. Put a lot of water into it... there are instructions on the packets of beans for this part, so trust that, because I'm writing this from memory. It's something along the lines of boiling the beans for a little while, and then letting them stand for even longer... probably an hour or so.
Here you learn lesson one: Burritos do not equal Stone Soup. What they don't tell you is that before you put the beans in the water, make sure you remove all the rocks... nothing ruins a good burrito like a rock.
Quickly following, is lesson two: You are not Jack. Though I apologize if that is in fact your name. If you're at all like Jon and me, you'll be cooking based on instructions received the previous week while drinking beer. In this case, you find you don't remember what to do next, and your only option is to run back to the bar and get the rest of the instructions. Unfortunately, it can also be very difficult to go to a bar on Saturday evening just for instructions... so make sure the beans are in the fridge or sealed somewhere safe before you go to the bar, nothing (besides rocks) ruins a burrito more than having it grow into a beanstalk.
When you wake up the next day, you can finish up while nursing that hangover. Drain the beans through a colander, and put them back into the pot with fresh water. Bring them to a boil and keep them there, stirring relatively often, so they don't stick, for about 2 hours. Afterwards, while they're cooling, stir in the salsa, and grate the cheese, but don't add it yet. Now you want to let the beans cool somewhat, so they're not too liquid when you're trying to roll them into the tortillas. Let them cool for at least the amount of time it takes to drink a beer... if you can't figure out how to time that, send me a beer, give me a call when you get to this part, and I'll help you out... this is also a great way to run up larger phone bills, for those of us without any friends.
Editor's note: I received an e-mail from Margaret, and promptly went to the bar to follow up on it's contents. Either that, or she mentioned that she e-mailed when I saw her at the bar. Time can confuse these issues. She reminded me that at this point, it's MOST important to STRAIN THE BEANS FROM THE bean WATER WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED cooking them, before you roll them, this way you don't end up with the dreaded SOUPY BURRITO that not only may lead to drippy wet tortillas, but is a MESS in your toaster oven, and could possibly lead to small kitchen toaster oven fires!!! When we discussed this most serious issue at the bar, she also pointed out that burning down your apartment can often lead to not being able to make it to the bar, though I argued that if I didn't have an apartment, I'd have to spend more time there.
a note from jon
despite phillip's insinuations about my talent for rolling things, i must warn you that rolling a burrito is quite different than rolling...uh... other things. the only thing that previous rolling practice will help with is your manual dexterity.
not that manual dexterity is a bad thing, but you understand. anyway, if you want to roll your burritos properly, you all you need to do is follow these simple instructions. first, lie the tortilla on a flat surface in front of you.
then, place a dollop of the bean/salsa mixture on the lower part of the burrito (the part closest to you). sprinkle however much cheese you'd like on top of the beans.
then, fold in the sides just a bit, covering the ends of the bean area. this assures you that the beans won't come squirting out at an inopportune moment.
finally, all you need to do is roll up the burrito from the bottom towards the top, away from you. even someone who's been rolling other things all day shouldn't have much of a problem.
All that's left to do is put the beans and cheese onto the tortillas and roll them. If you're like me, and have a roommate that's more adept and practiced at rolling things, let him or her take care of this part... it gives you more time to pick at the food anyway. As you finish each one, put them in zip-lock bags (we were able to fit 5 per bag) and stack them in your (hopefully) empty freezer.
You now have an ungodly number of burritos that take under 10 minutes each to prepare. They only take a couple of minutes in the microwave, but I prefer putting them in the toaster oven too, so they get a crispy crust.
Since the success of our first batch, we've heard rumors that you can jazz these up, either by adding rice, meat, or Margaret has even mentioned wanting to make some with lots of vegetables in them, though I'm at a loss to understand why you would want to screw them up like that.
Although I'm terminally lazy, I really enjoyed making these burritos... they fit my life... or my complete lack thereof. I enjoyed it enough that I'm now looking for any other food that fits these same criteria. Easy to make (or store), and easy to eat. Spending 4 hours to make food that lasts the next month constitutes easy to make. Being able to prepare a serving in 5-10 minutes constitutes easy to make. Anything that doesn't scream out at me how healthy it's making me, constitutes easy to eat. If anybody has ideas of other foodstuffs that fit any of these same criteria, drop me a line and let me know. On the other hand, if you don't tell me, I'll just starve and you'll no longer be subjected to these columns.
Finally, in a final, futile, attempt at making this a beer column instead of a burrito column, I feel a deep need to offer some suggestions as to possible beers to drink with your burritos. Quite honestly, I can't think of any off hand, but that might be because I'm writing this at the end of a long work day, and think any beer would be tasty at this point. The burritos are pretty heavy, so I think a lighter beer would be good, a Pilsener or a lighter ale, I would undoubtedly pick something hoppy. Since I don't have any of those in the apartment, I'd end up having an IPA myself. Not because it's the best flavor combination, but because in keeping with the burrito tradition, I'd be too lazy to go get something else.
-- phillip karlsson, brew guru
november 19, 1997