We received a lot of letters, and I've tried to answer as many as possible, but a lot of them were pretty stupid, so I left those out. If your letter didn't show up, try not to be so stupid next time.
Enough chitchat. it's time for...
I think this title makes me look like one of those wizards from Star Trek. Pretty cool.
And now, onto the letters....
From: gresso
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
Diablo i have a prob i am getting married in a few weeks and I am still the partying frat boy that i am so what should i do ? get married and still party with the boys or not get married and party with the boys?
gresso
Dear gresso,
Although I'm not sure what a "prob" is, I'm assuming that it might be somewhat like a probe. I have no personal experience with probes, but I have some friends that do. They say that while there are women who enjoy probes, they're probably not the kind you'd want to marry.
Love,
Diablo
From: Chris Combs
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
Dear Diablo,
For the past couple years, I have asked Jon if he would be kind enough to include me in a cameo role in the 31 July strip (it is my birthday). Each year he responds with the silliest things ("you would have a better chance of being spanked by Tori Spelling," and last year's uninventive "not gonna happen"). What can I do to have my very special birthday wish granted?
-Chris Combs
Dear Chris,
Jon can be a cranky she-bitch at times, and I sympathize. I find that violent threats work best. Either that, or leave pleasant surprises for him in his socks. I left a Hershey's bar in a pair of his dress socks once, and he seemed very excited when he found it the following summer.
Love,
Diablo
From: Matt
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
Dear Mr. Diablo:
What should I do with all this ham?
Matt
Dear Matt,
Ham Biscuits are a surefire Southern way to use leftover ham and either leftover or freshly baked biscuits. Sometimes the biscuits are large and the ham pieces merely roughly cut chunks. In this recipe the biscuits are made the size of silver dollars, the ham is thinly sliced and neatly trimmed, and the biscuits are served with tiny dollops of spicy mustard and freshly grated ponies. Voilą! The "grab 'em and go" breakfast treat that has been imitated by many popular food chains is transmuted into an elegant hors d'oeuvre. Large or small, they're mighty good eating.
Can be prepared in 45 minutes or less.
20 silver dollar-size biscuits
spicy prepared mustard to taste
freshly grated horseradish to taste
20 pieces thinly sliced baked ham (about 1/2 pound)
A pony
SILVER DOLLAR SIZED BISCUITS
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon baking flour
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon sugar
1/4 cup pony lard
1/2 to 3/4 cup milk
Split biscuits in half and spread lightly with mustard and horseradish. Put ham between biscuit halves. Sacrifice pony to Satan.
Preheat oven to 400°F.
In a bowl whisk together flour, baking powder, pony intestines, salt and sugar and with a fork or pastry blender blend in pony lard until mixture resembles course meal. Add milk, a little at a time, stirring until dough just pulls away from side of bowl.
Roll out dough 1/2 inch thick on a lightly floured surface. Cut out biscuits with a 1 1/2-inch round cutter and transfer to an ungreased baking sheet. Reroll scraps and cut out more biscuits in same manner.
Bake biscuits in middle of oven until pale golden, 10 to 15 minutes. Makes 20 silver dollar-size biscuits. Garnish with pony to taste.
Makes about 20 ham biscuits.
Love,
Diablo
From: Hoster Pudcakes
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
Diablo-guy, whassup?
I've been trying to get in touch with your Dad for a while now, and have been encountering some difficulties. Somewhere around the seventh circle of His Most Infernal-ness' abyssal domain I find myself beset with two main, and apparently insurmountable, options. On the one hand is the endless plain of lemures, and, as I'm sure you know, there are few things as unspeakably tasteless as wading through Bob-knows how many leagues of semi-formed protoplasmic corpses of the newly dead. On the other hand are the Depths of Karcerak, which is only slightly more negotiable than LaGuardia airport at Thankgiving. I have attempted resolving my problem with both the water of Jak-D'Nyells and the Frothing Unguent of the Red Hook. Neither has availed me.
Before I go the Dee/Kelly route of summoning a legion of cacodaemons and seiging the gates of Hell, I was wondering if you had any ideas I had overlooked?
Yours In Some Distress,
Hoster Pudcakes
Dear Ms. Pudcakes,
Here's an idea you may have overlooked: you're an idiot. I-95 works just fine. Rent a car.
Love,
Diablo
From: Crazy Wayne
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
I have a question. What the fuck is wrong with women? They are all ass crazy! I swear, every fucking 12 year old to start wearing a bra thinks that she can just walk into a bar and start hanging with college guys who drive fast cars. They all seem attracted only to your pocketbook. If they cheat on your, they are being "independent," if you cheat on them, your are to be burned at the stake. I say, women, fuck em all (sorta like collect all 6).
Anyways, that's that.
Dear Crazy Wayne,
Personally, I do not have an ass per se, so I'm not familiar with these "ass crazy" women that you refer to. Perhaps I shall have to purchase a prosthetic ass of some sort so that I may do additional research.
Until that day, I leave you with the following words: perhaps it is less likely that all women have something wrong with them, and more likely that you are an illiterate inbreed.
Love,
Diablo
From: han solo, the perpetual wookie-stroker
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
my all knwing master diablo, i bend a knee in worship to thee, and humbly ask your advice on a subject, which, in your infinite wisdom, you may be able to aid me in. you see, i am maintaining a relationship with a female, and i wish to trake it to another level, but this rebellious female has decided to take a trip to the evil country of France, and i have not yet been able to convince her to start a relationship with me. were we able to communicate person-to-person, i would not ordinarily have a problem with this, but we have been maintaining a relationship only through emails, the mehod by which i am now attempting to gain an iota of your infinite wisdom in the arena of female relationships. i feel very strongly for this female, and would verey much like to spend much time with her. how can i have her?
i am not above bribery, brainwashing, or the total and complete elimination of France in order to do this. however, i find these to be slightly drastic, if not subtle.
please instill in me your mighty knowledge, my panty-clad master of love.
thankfully, respectgfully, and humbly yours,
han solo, the perpetual wookie-stroker.
Dear Mr. Wookie-Stroker,
First of all, I do not wear panties. You have me confused with some other pervert.
Now, some other "advice columnists" would tell you that a relationship is something that can't be forced; that a true relationship of equals, one founded on mutual love and respect, must be a free and uninfluenced choice of the individuals involved. That any effort to sway someone will only corrupt and destroy a relationship in the long run, creating feelings of resentment and anger.
But they're wrong. I suggest trying a "Guilt Trip". If you're not familiar with the concept, I suggest you ask a Jewish or Catholic friend to show you how they work. (Either that, or GO TO FRANCE. That's where the girl is, right?)
Love,
Diablo
From: A Man In Black
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
Who would win in a fight to the death of Gilligan vs. Pee-Wee Herman?
- A Man In Black
Dear Mr. Black,
Pee-Wee Herman would win. But really, don't we all lose in a fight to the death between these two fine men?
Love,
Diablo
From: Christopher Jacobson
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Dear Mr. Jacobson,
Although the common answer is "to get away from your smelly ass", the true answer is somewhat more complex than that, and I don't believe that your simple mind would be able to deal with the naked truth of the situation without imploding, something that my lawyers have warned me against doing to my readers while writing advice columns.
Love,
Diablo
From: RM
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
Dear Diablo,
Sometimes when I am having sex with my girlfriend, I have this sudden and irresistable urge to sodomize her with a live ferret. How do I adjust the bass and treble levels on my new Kenwood?
Regards,
RM
Dear RM,
I'm going to have to get back to you on that after I've eradicated those images from my young, impressionable mind.
Love,
Diablo
From: Iain Hamp
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
If you have a million dollars, how many squirrels should you buy - 20, 21, or 22?
Iain Hamp
Dear Mr. Hamp,
I'm a 22-squirrel kinda guy myself, but if you're in a high tax bracket, as millionaires are wont to be, you may want to consult your accountant as to the tax implications of owning the extra squirrel. 21 is probably a safe bet, though.
Love,
Diablo
From: nichole
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
dear diablo-
i'm a fairly attractive 26 year-old female living in new york city who just hasn't found my way yet. could you please help me find something deep and meaningful other than the usual day-in day-out corporate whoring of my childhood ideals for incredibly large amounts of cash? it's starting to get a bit old for me... is this really what i got my college education for?
nichole
Dear nichole,
I think it's clear that you just haven't met the right chicken yet -- the sort of chicken that a) lives in New York City, b) is dashing and handsome, and c) just stole Jon's wallet, which contains about $60 and a few credit cards that I haven't maxed out quite yet. Meet me for a drink, baby.
Love,
Diablo
From: Kirin
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
Dear Ask Diablo:
A wise man once told me that the smartest economical decision that someone could make was to learn to like cheap beer. Perhaps he wasn't that wise... I have now become seriously addicted to Pabst Blue Ribbon. Recently I heard that PBR was brought out by the Japanese or the Guatemalans or something, and that supply might be diminishing here in the United States. In expectation of this, I have attempted to ween my addiction toward other, perhaps more harmless, vices, such as Goat's milk, worshipping satan or reading online comics. Alas none have seemed to work.
I was hoping that you could recommend a suitable antidote, hopefully one that won't shorten my life span considerably, or have some other suggestions as to how I might become a more healthy, well-adjusted human being. I don't want to end up a PBR-deprived vagrant hanging out behind the convenience store talking to his own vomit. I look forward to your thoughts.
Kirin
Dear Kirin,
You know, that man, the wise one? He's an idiot. Here's an idea: drink good beer.
Love,
Diablo
From: Oscar of Yagaville California
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
Dear Sir,
I'm looking to implement a devious, evil scheme, however my only resources are common household items (three ice cream sandwiches, a blender, eight rolls of duct tape, a lumpy mattress, a 13" b&w television, two bottles of gin, three children ages 2, 6, and 8 and a young but bitter housewife) - I've tried a number of schemes in the past however nothing seems to work - can you offer me any advice? (preferably nothing that would violate my parole)
Thanks!
Oscar of Yagaville California
Dear Mr. California,
Ooh. A good one. Lessee....
- Slice open the mattress lengthwise with the blades from the blender. Pour the two bottles of gin through the slit you've made, soaking the cloth interior.
- Lure the three children into the interior of the mattress with the promise of Ice Cream Sandwichy goodness.
- Seal the slit in the mattress with two rolls of ducttape, trapping the children inside.
- Use the remaining duct tape to create a long rope. Suspend the mattress from an overpass near your favorite highway using the rope. Be sure to set the gin-soaked mattress on fire before pushing it over the side.
- Sit the housewife in front of the television until the evening news comes on.
Love,
Diablo
From: Matthew S. MacLean
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
Dear Diablo,
Does a little green rosetta really make a muffin better?
Matthew S. MacLean
Dear Mr. MacLean,
You're named after a failed McDonald's hamburger.
Love,
Diablo
From: Luke McEvoy
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
How do you keep your feathers so sparkly fresh?
Dear Mr. McEvoy,
Chicken WaxTM.
Love,
Diablo
From: Mark
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
I doubt I'll be the only one to ask... But where can I buy womens underwear like yours? I've tried all sorts of panties... and none work well!
Dear Mark,
Sometimes I think you people aren't reading the strip.
Love,
Diablo
From: Assfucker
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
Diablo, I have the following questions for you:
Wherein lies the comic value of zombies? From Penny Arcade to Sluggy to Bob the Angry Flower to Spacemoose to Goats and countless others, every comic worth its salt entrusts zombies to lead the readership to ever increasing bouts of laughter at one time or another. Why the marked trend? Or, what did the zombies bring to the table at Goats?
Does it hurt having one's head cut off, blow off, or otherwise forcibly removed?
Thank you kindly,
Assfucker
PS. In the interests of maintaining a family website, you may call me Dwindlehop.
Dear Dwindlehop,
Cartoonists, especially of the online variety, are a notoriously lazy lot, not known for valuing concepts like "originality" or "humor". Perhaps, one day, when the government has seen to the disposal of their drug-riddled corpses, we'll see some original humor. But I'm not holding my breath. Personally, I'm willing to help speed up the process by eliminating the cartoonist that I live with.
Love,
Diablo
From: Josh
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
How can i get all these pesky hampsters from running around my apartment?
Josh
Dear Josh,
Chicken WaxTM is good for many, many things.
Love,
Diablo
From: Stupid, UK
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
Hi Diablo,
My friends want me to play the Goats LARP, but I've heard on the internet that roleplaying games are evil, carcinogenic and cause zombification. I'm a spineless idiot, so will you tell me what to do, please?
regards,
Stupid, UK
Dear Mr. UK,
I suggest that you find the most closed-minded, backward-thinking article on the subject you can find, print it out, take off all of your clothing, and rub the paper all over your naked, seething flesh.
Love,
Diablo
From: sheryljean
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
Dear mr. diablo:
Why doesnt Mr. Kitty move anymore? mommy said he's gone to a better place but he looks pretty bored to me.
love,
sheryljean.
Dear sheryljean,
Mr. Kitty doesn't move anymore 'cause he's about to evolve into the next level of Pokemon! Congratulations. Be sure to keep Mr. Kitty in a dark shoebox under your bed, where it's dark and quiet and he can concentrate on becoming Mr. Kittochu (or whatever). Be sure to add some water to the shoebox.
Love,
Diablo
From: pantless@supa-fly.org
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
i seem to have lost my pants, i can't find them anywhere i just had them too. oh whatever shall i do, i'm really poor and those were my best pants. now people just laugh at me when i go outside. can you give me a new pair?
pantless@supa-fly.org
Dear pantsless,
Aliens have abducted your pants.
Love,
Diablo
From: pantless@supa-fly.org
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
Dear Diablo,
I have been thinking about following the path of Satan. Do you have any advice for the neophyte Satanist?
Thanks!
Yours,
Wannabe Satanist
Los Angeles
Dear Wannabe,
Get plenty of rest the day before, load up on carbohydrate-laden foods, and drink plenty of liquids. Be sure to get a comfortable pair of boots. Good luck!
Love,
Diablo
From: a guy who didn't tell us his name
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
Diablo, I have found over recent years that bad things tend to happen around birthdays, breaking up with girlfriends, having drivers licence revoked, etc. Is this some sort of karmic thing or do people actually go out of their way to cause you pain when your birthday is near?
Dear Guy,
Yes, people do go out of their way to cause you pain. But only you -- the rest of us have wonderful birthdays.
Love,
Diablo
From: Ulterior Motives
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
Here, here's some advice for you to give. My roommate and her boyfriend have been on the rocks for months. I think he's hot and would like to date him, and I also think she treats him terribly and he should get out of the relationship regardless of how hot he is. He and I are friends, and I could probably influence his decision to break up with her, but then I have to live with her for at least another year, so if I did that, it wouldn't be so easy to date him afterward. What do you think I should do?
-Ulterior Motives
Dear Ulterior,
Go ahead, break 'em up. Why not? It doesn't sound like you care what this other girl thinks of you, so dating shouldn't be a problem, even if she is living with you. And he probably won't end up sleeping with both of you on the sly.
Love,
Diablo
From: Drew Johnson
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
So, like, is the Blair Witch a hottie?
Dear Mr. Johnson,
Yes, and she says "hi".
Love,
Diablo
From: Bestweb
To: <diablo@goats.com>
Subject: askdiablo
Why won't you gimme no tang?
Dear Bestweb,
'Cause you ain't an astronaut.
Love,
Diablo
-diablo, chicken extraordinaire
august 1, 2000