Yes, I know, I'm a lazy slug. You've been quite vocal about it, and I'm aware that there hasn't been a new readme in a few months. I could, theoretically, tell you all to go to hell, but I think you and I both would find some hackneyed excuses infinitely more fulfilling. Shall we begin?
First off, I should mention that while I personally have had little to do with the 3D animated short that we've been working on over the last few months, other than drawing the occasional character sheet and giving feedback on the initial stages of the models, it has kept me somewhat busy 
in the sense that I have to spend a good amount of time drinking away my fears that whatever studio execs sees the end product of this terribly expensive venture will most likely have no idea what to make of it and go off and do Suddenly Susan: The Movie instead. Of course, it's technically not my money, but hey, any reason I can find to drink and/or panic is one I'm going to take advantage of.
I've included a handful of screenshots of the initial versions of the 3D models for the Fetid Four; I stress the word "initial". Do not email me and tell me how much they suck (or not suck, as the case may be); they are in the first few stages of development and need tweaking and lighting and fur and clothes (be thankful I cropped Phillip where I did). They are here only for your enjoyment and are not the end product (although I think they're damn good and definitely the first step towards a kickass end-product).
Eliot Cail-Sirota, a friend of mine and Phillip's from our days skipping class at Cornell is our intrepid 3D animator, and will be holding our hands (and our wallets) as we stumble through the process of getting this thing off the ground. I asked him to pump out a paragraph or two for you guys to viddy:
Jon,
How's this?:The computer is Silicon Graphics,
The software is Maya
The stimulant is Jolt Cola.O.k Forget that...
A word from the artist:
First of all I would like to say that I am very honored to be working on, nay, single-handedly creating (editor's note: if you discount the scriptwriting, voice talent, music, and direction) the Goats animated short. So far things are going pretty well. Four of the five main characters have been modeled in three-d using Maya Software from Alias|Wavefront. At first the process was a bit slow because I really wanted to get the look of the characters right, (editor's note: and because he takes a lot of vacations, as the self-employed tend to do) but once I got going things began to go very smoothly. The next step is to articulate the figures so I can animate them. Very soon the talented people who will perform the voices of our intrepid cast will get together and record the audio track and then full blown animation will begin. We know that the Goats-reading public demands results, and we intend to deliver. Enjoy some of the early stills of the characters; after all, when else will you be able to see Jon and Philip naked?Most Sincerely,
Eliot Cail-Sirota
President, Dimension 4 F/XP.S. Drink Hefeweizen!
So there you go. Feel free to drop Eliot a note and send him words of encouragement and/or cash.
If that wasn't enough to convince you that my time spent away from the keyboard has been absolutely, terribly necessary, my busy cartoonist schedule also demands that I travel occasionally. My latest venture out of the dark, smelly depths of my apartment was to Niagara, where (left to right) Phillip, Lauren, Scott and myself attended the wedding of some friends of our from college (we haven't been able to make any friends since then, for some reason).
We spent the better part of the weekend (you guessed it) drinking and gambling and doing things that probably would have gotten us arrested if not for our celebrity status. When we weren't encouraging immorality in small children, Phillip took it upon himself to eat boats full of tourists and lick landmarks. This was, he says, entirely unavoidable and obligatory on his part, and I for one believe him.
I'm pretty sure we attended some sort of ceremony, but the details escape me. All I seem to recall of the wedding itself are some oddly-shaped cigarettes and several of my college friends competing in beer-bottle-throwing contests in categories of both distance and accuracy. I think Scott came in last.
There is one particular anecdote which, although you may not find it terribly amusing, kept Scott and I busy while recounting it for anyone at the wedding who would listen to us for more than a minute or two. Phillip and Lauren got bumped to first class on our flight up to Buffalo, and Scott and I sat in the back of the plane amongst the sweaty cattle, dreaming up ways to hurt them. Once the plane landed, while Phillip and Lauren were whisked off to the relative luxury of the seating area near the gate, we were allowed to wait in the aisle while elderly people struggled with their luggage in the 30 rows in front of us. Discussing our rental car arrangements, I mentioned loudly to Scott that I would handle the driving chores, since "I'm an excellent driver. Definitely an excellent driver. Dad lets me drive on the driveway." A woman sitting between us looks up at me, and in the sincerest tone of voice, says," You know, when you said that, you sounded just like that guy from Rain Man." It took me a good fifteen minutes to recover.
I told you that you might not find it terribly amusing.
Phillip isn't the only one of my friends that enjoys striking terror into the hearts of the natives in whatever town we happen to visit. If you look to your left, you'll see my friend Toph (a.k.a. Christopher, a.k.a. Chris, a.k.a. Topher, a.k.a. Top H, a.k.a. H, a.k.a. Christophea Jackson, The Most Dangerous Man on Earth) in his ill-fated attempt to crush the Capitol Building in Washington, D.C.. Which gives me an excellent opportunity to announce the latest Goats Contest: Win A Date With Toph! Yes, ladies, here's your chance to meet the man behind the legend. Your evening will begin over drinks at Toph's choice of bar (which will probably be Merchants, knowing Toph) and end with you leaving his apartment in the morning, groggy yet satisfied, wearing a brand-new Goats T-shirt! (The new shirts -- one featuring Diablo and one featuring Neil & Bob -- are available for purchase in the store.) Just send an email to datewithtoph [at] goats.com explaining, in 100 words or less, why you should be the lucky lady that gets to have an evening alone with this bastion of manhood.
It's entirely possible that even these excuses won't satisfy your insatiable need to comment on my lack of readme activity, so we've got two more special treats for you over in the Features section to make up for it. First, we have yet another contribution from our good friend Drew Johnson -- Goats: The FAQ, ver. 1.0. Feel free to send him mail and let him know what questions you'd like answered in the next version, and he'll feel free to ignore you. We've also posted the first few Shakesbeerian sonnets from Goats poet laureate Justin Alistair Lowde for your enjoyment.
As if that wasn't enough, I have yet another bonus for you. Many times, people have asked me, "Jon, where do you get your ideas?" The answer, simply, is from my PalmPilot. I often jot down things that strike me funny on my PDA, and when I recover from my hangover, I look through them and pull out the best ones for use in the strip. Occasionally, these gems sit in the Palm for years, gathering dust and waiting for the proper moment to take their place alongside their brothers who have pupated into full-blown comics. There are, even more occasionally, ones that just sit and are never used, usually due to their extremely low quality. Below, I've reproduced a handful that have been sitting around since almost the beginning of time. These are, by no means, good ideas, and I can safely say that these will never get used. So, in an attempt to dispose of them (and to pad the readme with filler material), I present you with Goats: The Lost Ideas. I've left in the spelling errors and such for maximum enjoyment. Many of them won't make much sense, and I've forgotten the original intent behind them, so make of them what you will. Enjoy.
- jon is afraid of balloons
- shecky 'green' baldwin
- phillip in lynda: the fan club
- goats: the breakfast cereal
- curing hiccups with slap- faith healer
- this place needs a vomitorium.
- i don't kow, but it's onuy o syllhble long.
- phillip's ghandfther is a chracter
ask him for advice, completecy useless
- habitrail
- our goal is to make everyone else leave.
- jon kills a fly on a beer bottle with his pilot stylus (editor's note: I actually did this.)
- he does all the back-end stuff.
boy, does he ever.
- replace aligne with ows.
- (someone drinks a coke) aah... can't beat the real thing.
wanna bet?
- butts, butts everywhere and not a cheek to lick
man i need a chick.
and how i did not shrink
and man i need one quick
and nouhere to put my stick
that's just sick. - habitrail
- i port stuff to NT.
so you're a porter.
no, i'n a stout.
- beefamusable
- ooh! we can use this the next time we write an episode of 'friends'
- someone puts a budwieiser on the bar, jon and phillip start screaming
- female regulars
- habitrail
- top 10 beer trends that don't have to happen
1. mood beer
2.hula beer
3. beef-flavored beer
4. budweiser
5. toothpaste beer
- jon writes his autobioghaphy:
'i went to the bar.' - how come you always generate so much heat? if i don't get rid of it, i tend to burst into flames. i thought that only sunlight did that to programmers.
- smarmy eq. slimy + smart. that's me!
- phillip tries to find a personlity (pirate, white trash)
- scott and his girlfriend.
- no such thing as a bad beer? bullshit.
- confessions of a beer connoiseur: i had a can of milwaukee's best once.
- run into people from freshm year of college (remember to tell toph)
- beer nazi
- mad-libs type comic strip where the reader gets to fill in the stuff, like 'type of beer' and 'reference to alcoholism' and the like
- tetris dreams
when i was 14, and i began tg have hormones, i began to have dreams about chicks. and i still do.
- she'll neveh have sex with you.
sure she will, we're gonna play tennis together.
- forgotten legends: the sixth sweathog
- and that's when i said, "you call this service? i'm taking my two dollars elsewhere.
- he subsists on a diet consisting solely of yellow #5.
- oh wise bartender, why do mennnot use nair?
- men in gitis
- all i want is for you to buy me a beer.
- 'out, out foul demons of fgam's
- sperm banks- invest wisely
- why are we getting all these previous tenants' mail? apparently herve villechez lived here before... tattoo? i love tattoo!
- guestion of the week: how do you define hell? eternal reruns of 'suddenly susan'
- oh wow ... don't snarf gin & tonic.
- 'we can always escape to the pub.'
- the wondercouch twins activate... form of a beer
- endust is an aphrodisiac
- "women find me attractive. they just find me attractive in a 'ugh... he's ugly' sorta way."
- oh...i have a boyfriend...how are you?
- casio keyboard player - really bad. death inducing.
- gaseous anomaly
- st.-bernard (omes torescuedrunkuthae can't make ia homg
- toph wants to rule the world weth an iron fist
- log throwing- cool sport .... gets the chicks
-jonathan rosenberg, cartoonist extraordinaire
july 15, 1999