It's been a relatively good month here at Goats HQ. Traffic is on the rise; we're getting more than 1,000 visitors a day, and Goats served 114,000 pages during the month of September. That's quite a step up from the 150 or so daily visitors we had a year ago at this time.
Of course, most of the increase in traffic is due to the efforts of Constant Readers such as yourselves, and we'd like to thank you for the great job you've been doing in spreading the word and letting people know that Goats exists. And if you haven't done so already, tell your friends about us and encourage them to pay us a visit.
We've also decided to switch ad networks; Starting very soon, Goats will be part of the Flycast Network, which hopefully means that we'll be pulling in a bit more $cash$ and that Goats won't die from a lack of funds.
With this bit of good news, I'll now present you with...
the first annual goats reader's poll results
1) who's your favorite 'goats' character?
The winner for Favorite Character was, not suprisingly, Diablo, everyone's favorite satanic chicken. His winning smile, perfectly coiffed comb, and beady eyes make this fowl of darkness an irresistible choice. Toothgnip barely beat out Neil & Bob for a distant second place.
diablo 
132
toothgnip 43
neil & bob 42
phillip 25
jon 23
lori 16
fish 13
scott baio 12
jerrell 7
howard 3
frank coffee 2
jay 0
2) how are you?
The vast majority of poll respondents indicated for this question that they were doing well, and also expressed an interest in my well-being. The fact that all responses were positive and upbeat clearly proves that Goats readers are well-adjusted, happy people who are concerned for their fellow man.
i'm doing well, and yourself? 124
not bad. 88
i'm fine; thanks for asking. 62
pretty good. 43
3) what's your favorite 'goats' series?
The most popular Goats series to date has been "kittens = pop tarts", the series chronicling Phillip's theft of an alien device which transforms adorable kittens into delicious toaster pastries. A close second was the "ceiling babies" series, my personal favorite.
kittens = pop tarts 60
ceiling babies and accordion players 53
diablo's cookies 27
jedi mouse 25
diablo's internet dating extravaganza 20
real geeks don't 18
orange drink, crispy fries 15
toothgnip's dating tips 14
chicken NT 1.0 13
a goats editorial/ rodent-o-philia 11
animal abuse 10
jon is pathetic, part XXIII 9
alien pimps and the comics syndicate 9
pudding hut 8
diablo goes to school 6
phillip gets abducted 4
sugar daddy 4
diablo gets a job 4
man in the iron mask 2
join the circus like you wanted to 2
road rules and nihilism 2
monopoly 1
4) how old are you?
The results of this particular question were most disappointing; They would seem to indicate not only that a large portion of our audience is on their deathbeds, most likely suffering from cirrhosis or related liver maladies, but that Goats isn't reaching that crucial and easily manipulated 0-12 demographic. If Goats has been unable to warp and pervert the minds of our youth, then my mission has failed.
0-12 2
13-18 76
19-25 155
26-30 47
31-40 11
near death 26
5) have you bought a shirt yet?
Even more disturbing than the fact that 131 respondents are too lazy to send me money was the discovery that an almost equal number of readers openly admit to being supporters of that most devious of foods, cheese. The increasing popularity of this insidious food is yet another sign of the decay of civilization and the impending collapse of the very fabric of space-time.
i've been meaning to, but i'm a lazy slug with no motivation. 131
i like cheese. 125
no, keep your filthy garments to yourself. i will continue to read your comic strip and will never show my appreciation for your talent and skill. 45
yes, and i wear it every day. 16
6) what's your favorite beer?
Once again, I find myself appalled by our readers. 94 of you apparently take joy in reporting that you have worse taste in beverages than dogs who find no shame in lapping up feces floating in an unflushed toilet. Please, people. Get some help. (On a side note, although 72 people voted for "Goat Scrotum Ale", Phillip only brewed about 40 bottles of it a few months ago, and we drank most of them. Someone's fibbing.)
cider, 'cause i'm far too weak and worthless to drink beer 94
goat scrotum ale 72
weihenstephaner heifeweizen 49
some form of IPA 35
busch light draft (or equivalent) 25
paulaner heifeweizen 23
fuller's e.s.b. 17
7) have you ever been to the peculier pub?
Once again, the readers poll has proven what was only previously suspected: That the vast majority of Goats readers are so sluglike in nature that, despite their desire to visit the Peculier Pub, they are unable to get up off of their sweat-encrusted couches for long enough to go to what may be the greatest bar of all time (or, at least the greatest bar i've found within walking distance of my apartment).
no, but i'm planning a pilgrimage there. 150
i have never been, have no plans to go, and have no appreciation for the mecca that is peculier. 146
yes. 13
yes, and i asked the bartender if phillip and jon were around. 8
8) do you have a rodent fetish?
Yet another indication that dark, unspeakable things are about to engulf our planet in a icy shroud of doom and despair: Whilst only a handful of readers indicated that they participated in wholesome, family activities like shoving mice and gerbils in their rectums, a horrific 277 of you worship that Food of Darkness, Cheese. It is a sad, sad era for humanity.
yes 14
yes 26
no, but i like cheese. 277
9) what's your favorite flavor of pudding?
While not surprising that most poll respondents chose Chocolate at their preferred pudding, I did find it interesting that both Unwashed Panties and Monkey Feces Stout Mint Chip beat out perennial favorite, Tapioca. Tastes change, I suppose.
chocolate 102
unwashed panties 48
monkey feces stout mint chip 32
tapioca 30
rice 22
charred baby flesh 22
puncture wound 20
spleen 17
bloody stool 12
severed limb 5
rotting torso 5
used hankerchief 2
liver 1
10) how did you find out about 'goats'?
An interesting tidbit: 61 people responded "I Just Knew" to this question, indicating that Goats has the highest percentage of psychic readers of any web-based comic strip. 3.15% of all readers indicated that they had dated me. Surprisingly, the poll has a 3.15% margin of error.
word of mouth 85
accidentally typed in the url during a moment of extreme boredom 61
i just knew 61
link from somewhere else 56
email from a friend 25
search engine 19
went on a horrible, nightmarish date with jon 10
11) how often do you read 'goats'?
The illiteracy rate of Goats readers is apparently 4 times the rate of illiteracy in the general population of the U.S. I'd like to think it's something we've caused rather than an indication of the type of audience we attract.
every day 211
about once a week 47
i can't read. don't make fun of me. 41
as infrequently as possible 10
about once a month 7
12) what's wrong with you?
Apparently, 3 of the women who had claimed that they had dated me in Question #10 broke ranks and voted for the "too ugly" choice.
general psychosis 180
manic-depressive 58
too ugly to go outside 33
friendless 29
abused as a child 9
dated jon; no longer capable of forming relationships with other humans 7
-jonathan rosenberg, cartoonist extraordinaire
october 3, 1998