Dating Is Evil. It's a horrible, ill-fated process clearly designed by masochists, which probably goes a long way towards explaining why I continue to do it occasionally. Every so often, my longing for companionship outweighs my loathing for rejection and humiliation, and I find myself on a quest for that mythical romance, that fabled relationship where two people find themselves partners in a journey not of self-exploration or the exploration of the other, but the exploration of the union formed by the two.
Self-exploration sucks. I've done enough of it to know, and there's very little satisfaction to be gained from it. People say that the only way to be comfortable in a relationship is to be comfortable with yourself, but that doesn't explain why these same people go out and find partners. These people are hypocrites -- if they were really so comfortable with being on their own, they'd stay that way. Being in a relationship brings with it so many problems and complications that no one would do it if they didn't have a burning need for it.
So, we go on self-imposed exiles where we try to find ourselves, and try to find comfort, by ourselves, in the emptiness of what constitutes life in the close of the millenium. If anyone has found the answer to whatever it is we're seeking, or at least this mythical comfort, they've been relatively selfish and kept it to themselves. But the fact that I can walk down the street and watch countless zombies pound the sidewalk on their way to work with a look of denial on their faces leads me to believe that if we haven't figured it out by now, there may not be an answer. At least, not in living for the next paycheck. Simple existence isn't enough to justify a solitary existence.
Being comfortable with one's self takes on new meaning after a few years of this. Being comfortable with one's self begins to mean, "I'm capable of surviving. I can feed myself and be reasonably sure that I can survive for the rest of today, no matter how empty it is." We may not be able to find enlightenment, but if we can just make it to Must See TV, everything will be all right. Who needs fulfillment when we can live vicariously through Ross and Rachel?
And, for many people, this seems to be enough. Maybe I'm impatient. Maybe I'm a little young to be giving up. Maybe purpose takes a couple more years to rear it's ugly head. But I look around and examine the lives of those older than myself, and i find nothing comforting in their lives, models for my own bleak, potential future.
But I do remember a time when i was younger, where existence made sense. I remember feeling true happiness in the arms of a brown-eyed girl whose smile made pain disappear and doubt vanish. These memories are the things that keep me moving, in the hope that happiness can be rediscovered.
In college, we were all children. Love was something that could easily be found in the the person sitting next to you in class. But, as we grow older, experience hardens our hearts, fear keeps us separate. Nowhere is this more true than in today's urban centers, where ten million people can occupy a space of a few square miles and every one of them can still be totally alone.
But, TV tells us that romance still exists, so we don't give up, even in an environment where people wear armor to keep their emotions from getting out. We go on Dates, because walking up to someone on the street and asking them to love you is frowned upon in our society. But practicing the custom makes it no less a charade.
Perhaps our parents were naive enough to make Dating work. I believe that real love requires a sterile environment to grow, a petri dish uncontaminated by painful memories and repressed emotions. Perhaps there was a time once where Dating was such a laboratory, but no more. Today's Dating Pool is filled with people who have been trampled, unable to bond emotionally, unwilling to try. I wish that I could say that I judge this only from my own personal experience, but I cannot. The only couples i know seem to stay together more for stability than for love. Of course, the expectations that we have are always greater than the realities, so perhaps stability is the best that we can hope for.
Even these few examples are rare, however. Most people are walking casualties, unlikely to heal. During my recent forays into the Dating world, I have met my share of people that I genuinely have had feelings for... perhaps not the unfettered storybook romance type of feelings i was capable of when i was younger, but real feelings. Unfortunately, these individuals are also wounded, and the instinct of fear is a strong one. So, as we had given up on finding purpose and comfort on our own, we give up the search to find it in another.
If we cannot find comfort in solitude, and we cannot find comfort in the arms of another, what hope is there?
There's nothing heartwarming or uplifting about this month's readme. There's no message of hope, no light at the end of the tunnel. However, if it makes you feel safer, you may feel free to dismiss my words as the ramblings of just another hardened, injured soul, another victim of drowning in the dating pool. Dismiss my words. Perhaps you will have better luck than I.
-jonathan rosenberg, cartoonist extraordinaire
august 13, 1998