Goats t-shirts are selling at a breakneck pace, so make sure you order yours before they're gone. Last month, when I announced their availability, I also announced a contest -- whoever sent in the most creatively decorated t-shirt order or envelope would win a free t-shirt. Alas, most of our readers seem to be without an ounce of artistic skill, and only one contest entry was received. I'm happy to announce that little Timmy McCutcheon of Bowling Green, OH is the winner of the first Goats: The Contest. Here's little Timmy's entry:
Timmy, age 8, depicts his suspicions of a possible murder suspect in the recent Diablo murder series. Despite his apparent mild retardation, Timmy's artistic aspirations will someday propel him to a prestigious career in either the meat-packing industry, or perhaps as a mop-boy at McDonald's. Timmy will be receiving a limited edition, preworn Lunchmeat shirt, as well as a carton of Lucky Strikes. Congratulations, Timmy!
But seriously, folks, remember to buy a t-shirt if you haven't done so already. The measly 15 bucks plus shipping and handling and extraneous surcharges helps to support the site, and is a nice way of saying "Hey, Jon, thanks for all your hours of thankless, backbreaking labor. Here's some money!" You'll not only receive a high-quality, preshrunk cotton t-shirt, painstakingly silkscreened by hand by Turkish monks, but you'll also receive my undying gratitude. Which, of course, is worth the purchase price alone.
There are, of course, many other ways to express your gratitude, not the least of which is sexual favors. Cartoonists appreciate nothing more than beautiful blonde groupies that put out, especially if you're female. And Phillip has frequently expressed a strong desire to be the target of a stalker, especially if that stalker happens to be Jennifer Love Hewitt or that skanky bitch from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
diablo's big list o' ways to thank your cartoonist:
- Kill your congressman. Especially if he's Jesse Helms. Kill him repeatedly.
- Introduce your cartoonist to Janeane Garofalo.
- Nothing says "I Love You" better than cash.
- Set fire to Spam, right on the shelves of your local supermarket. Help throw the canned luncheon meat industry into pandemonium.
- Write your cartoonist long, detailed letters about your sexual trysts with monkeys.
- Do a little dance.
- Make a little love.
- Get down tonight.
- Call Mark Hamill. Ask him how he's been lately.
- Invest in llamas today. For a free informative magazine and list of reputable llama breeders, call now toll free 1-888-68LLAMA. *
- Enroll your cartoonist in the Addictive Substance of the Month Club.
- Get a big, shiny microphone. Play "Where Are You Going Tonight?" with fellow subway/bus riders. Send your cartoonist the tapes. **
- Clean Phillip's hair out of the shower drain.
- Beef Beef Beef. Beef Bologna.
- Reverse engineer the process by which they manage to get peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Mail the results to your cartoonist in a big manila envelope.
I apologize for the lack of my usual high-handed rant, but this column is late going up as it is, and my intended topic, the Evils of Dating, is going to take some more research. It seems that I have failed to scare off the woman I am currently dating, although we have been seeing each other for well over a month now. There are several conclusions one could draw from this scenario, most likely that she is somewhat stupid, or a masochist, although neither of these is immediately apparent. This hampers the likelihood that my current hypothesis, "Dating is Bad", will be proven undeniably true. I will file a full report on the topic once I have completed my investigation into this bizarre anomaly.
-jonathan rosenberg, cartoonist extraordinaire
july 14, 1998
*this is a real number. i dare you to call.
**courtesy of Andrew "Dickboy" Ashton.