Work on "Goats: The Movie" has begun. That is, of course, not to say that it's been written, or cast, or that we've gotten backing from a major movie studio or a minor one or that we've approached anyone about it. We have no special effects budget. We have no wardrobe, crew, or ideas. Rumors abound that Toothgnip is holding out for an extra $5 million as well as a large share of the profits.
However, I have managed to put an order into Amazon.com for three (count 'em, three) books on screenplay writing. The authors assure me that I will be a successful screenwriter within 21 days, and I assume that the requisite fame and wealth will follow shortly.
Of course, this dream would never have become a reality without you, the Goats Faithful. Without your constant praise, large cash donations, and sexual favors, I would have absolutely no motivation to ever leave the bar and actually accomplish anything. So, my sincerest thanks and deepest gratitude go out to all three of you.
But, still, some of you must be wondering, "Jon, why a movie? Isn't the daily challenge of crafting the world's most intellectually stimulating comic strip enough to satisfy your creative loins? What could possibly motivate you to achieve even more? The critics lavish constant praise and adoration on you. The wealth you've amassed from the strip puts Bill to shame. And the National Enquirer says that you're "Winona's Hunkiest Boyfriend" since Johnny Depp. And yet, you keep striving for more. You're somehow more than human... like a god."
Now, I certainly wouldn't call myself a god. Perhaps "superhuman" is a more applicable term than human, but remember, I have to sleep 3 hours a day, just like the rest of you. But it isn't my own needs that I'm thinking of as I undertake this herculean task. It's you, the little people, that I have in mind.
A mere three panels a day just isn't enough for some of you, and I understand that the long wait over the weekend as I recover from my hangover puts some of my more avid fans into a state of shock, not unlike the comas that some of the more unfortunate viewers of NBC's "Jenny" have been found in after succumbing to the show's merciless attack on the humor centers of the brain. So, in an effort to flood the merchandising channels with even more mind-smegma for you to snack on, I have decided to bring Jon, Phillip, Toothgnip and Diablo to the big screen.
Some of you, I'm sure, are understandably concerned about the dilution of the spirit of 'Goats', worried that this might somehow cheapen what has otherwise been a moral pillar for many people, a set of guiding principles around which many of you have forged your pitiful, worthless lives. We thank you for your concern, but once again, remember to avoid mental strain by letting us here at 'Goats' do the thinking for you. Nay, this won't be another ill-fated big-screen disaster like "The Flintstones", "The Beverly Hillbillies", or "That Darn Cat". We'll be using only quality parts, and hiring only the finest Bangladeshi child slaves workers. When it comes to 'Goats', qualitly reely iis job #1.
If you have any ideas for the movie, be they plot ideas, requests for particular actors for the cast, characters you'd like to see, or sexual fantasies involving yours truly (women only, please), just drop us a line. If any of you are actually capable of thought, I'll publish the better ideas in next month's readme.txt. If any of you actually come up with a good idea, and I decide to use it in the script, I'll send you an autographed 'Goats' original.
As always, thanks for reading...
-jonathan rosenberg, cartoonist extraordinaire
december 11, 1997