Once upon a time, in a distant land where ferrets still rule and turtles are worn as epaulets, there was a ferret named Herbert.

Herbert was incontinent.

As were his turtles, Jean-Claude (left shoulder) and Marmot (right shoulder).

In Response to punkalicia (#298):

this, of course, left his shoulders quite dirty.

In Response to phillip (#299):

One day, Herbert was limping along the side of Interstate 70. He was having a hard time hitchhiking, as his limp, his damp trousers, and the turtle pee on his shoulders did not inspire confidence in the passing SUV drivers.

In Response to snookles (#300):

Fortuitously, Herbert came across a roadside monkey stand. He tried to purchase a couple midget helper monkeys to ride his epauletic turtles for pee cleaning purposes.

Herbert, alas, had no money.

In Response to luvrhino (#302):

The ferret behind the counter, sensing Herbert's distress, took pity on him. He removed his bandanna, ripped it in half, and in a few deft movements fashioned miniature turtle diapers for Herbert's turtles.

Fainting with gratitude, Herb offered to repay the merchant. "I have no money," he said, "but if there is any non-sexual service I can offer you that might give this story a semblance of plot movement, I will gladly undertake the task."

In Response to snookles (#303):

The counter ferret, however, was only too glad to take Herbert up on the offer.

"Herbert, I have a quest...a quest ONLY YOU can fufill"

In Response to punkalicia (#305):

"Bring me the Diamond Tooth of Trepidation from the mouth Most August Monkey Emporor, Mamey."

Herbert pleaded, "But sir, Mamey will kill me under a barage of his own fossilized feces. How I do adore his branded Penis Butter Cups, though..."

In Response to luvrhino (#306):

The merchant, let's call him Phil, slapped Herbert briskly across the head a few times.

"Suck it up, ya whiner! You're homeless, broke, and covered in turtle urine. How could your life get any worse?"

Stunned by Phil's logic and felled by his slaps, Herb picked himself up (both literally and figuratively) and took on the challenge.

In Response to snookles (#310):

Now feeling confident, Herbert spent his last coin on some dice and a hamster. He then walked over to the table and rolled his first Wizard Elf Hamster.

The difficult part was, of course, attaching the plastic ears to the fuzzy hamster. Once that was done, he named his hamster 'Beefnutkilla' because it's difficult to think of creative names when your hair is getting chewed on by a turtle.

He hoped that the dungeonmaster would be a gentle one...

In Response to TheWizardofFez (#339):

...and was thus greatly distressed to find that the dungeonmaster was Sex Dwarf.

well, that wasn't all bad. Sex Dwarf, despite all his ways of evil sex acts, did have some pretty good connections and could get anyone into the cabaret of their choosing.

In Response to Pusch (#355):

Meanwhile, Marmey, while flossing the Diamond Tooth of Trepidation, told his trusted advisor, Bill, "Fetch me the Imperial Riding Crop of Traveling! It's time i went on vacation!"

He then mounted the Imperial Mount, Turbo the Sloth, raised his mighty visage high into the air and waited for Bill to bring the Riding Crop.

In Response to Lonely Goatherd (#372):

Marmey, riding on Turbo the Sloth, went on yet another journey, this time to face the evil Sorcerer Johosophat who had stolen the Royal Shrubbery.

In Response to the_fetus (#374):

While the Royal Shrubbery was not necessarily a coveted item in the world of ferrets and turtles, it had been a pain to acquire, since the only place the Royal Shrubbery can gros is in the middle of the Garden of Many Thorned Roses, and had been his coming of age test. That and the fact that he had been looking for a reason to nail Johosophat since their last poker game when he had drank all the beer were enough to convince the emperor that it was time for action.

In Response to Lonely Goatherd (#385):

Finally having received his riding crop from Bill, the Emperor began his journey through the dark woods of Despair and Horrible Horrible Bowel Misfunction. Alas, after only a few minutes of travel, he had the unfortunate luck to come upon - who else but the dreaded Scott Baio of Doom.

In Response to llimllib (#389):

Chapter Two:

Herbert was in a bind. Sex Dwarf had put him up against some NPC gerbils with a +5 spiked exercise wheel, and Beefnutkilla was about to crack under the strain. Also, Sex Dwarf had tied him to his chair and was making meaningful gestures toward his hindquarters. In an effort to buy some time, Herb tried to make conversation.

"So, SD, what are you planning to do after the game?"

"Why? You looking for a date?"

"No!" Herb said quickly, "Just making conversation"

"Well, since you ask, Mr. Nosey, I have a quest to go on. I am in search of the Riding Crop of Traveling. I have just gotten word that it is in the hands of the Emperor, and I must go and wrest it from his grasp!"

Stunned, Herbert stammered, "R-r-really? What a coincidence. I have a quest, too. I'm supposed to get the Diamond Tooth of Trepidation from the Emperor. Sayyyy, you wouldn't be interested in a. . . partnership?"

    - - -

Deep in his evil lair, Johosophat chortled evilly, stroking the Royal Shrubbery in an evil manner. He stared intently at a crystal ball, watching events unfold on the road between the Imperial Palace and his underground fortress.

"The Baio will serve me well in this undertaking." he sneered. "No one can stand against his intense negative charisma. Mamet will soon fall to his knees in pain, and once he is incapacitated, the Tooth and the Riding Crop will be mine. When I combine the power of those items with this Shrubbery, I will have a monopoly on ridiculously named magical thingies, and no one will be able to stop me! Muahahahahahahaha!!"

    - - -

Mamet and Bill faced a fiend in humanoid shape, an evil creature whose only purpose was to create industrial-grade bad television. There would be no reasoning with him, no way to defeat him except by sheer strength of hand and will. Would they prevail? Would the Crop and the Tooth fall to Johosophat, or would the team of Herb and Sex Dwarf somehow fulfill their quests and save the world? And why does Phil want the Tooth anyway? Stay tuned for answers to these and other questions, IF YOU DARE!!!!

In Response to snookles (#403):

"So," replied Sex Dwarf, "you want to be my 'Partner'?". Herbert could sense that his situation was worsening.

In Response to snookles (#310):

Sighing with unsatisfied sexual desire, Phil spanked his monkey, named Bobo. Bobo, being more than your average helper monkey, didn't care at all at being spanked. With deft hand gestures he communicated an intricate plan to overthrow Phil and put Bobo in charge.

However, the other monkeys were your average helper monkeys and were busily spanking their monkeys...

In Response to mea37 (#454):

But what real choice did he have? It was either side with a latex clad midget or be overcome by Baio's overwhelming stench and irritating personality. Baio leered threateningly. Herb made his decision.

In Response to snookles (#403):

Mamet and Bill recoiled from the evil Baio. They could think of no possible defense. But then, just before they were about to panic, the Baio suddenly vanished!

"What? How...", stammered Bill.

"I've seen this type of thing before," replied Mamet. "I think he fell through a plot hole."

"A what?"

"A plot hole; a tear in space and time created by inconsistent writing. He's probably menacing some other main character now."

And so they continued on their journey.

In Response to mea37 (#473):

Meanwhile, Herb was coming to a stunning realization. Now that the sex dwarf had joined his party, all of his experience would now be divided between the two of them. This was truly unfortunate because he lacked only a single battle with anything stronger then a bottle of smelly root beer in order to attain the rank of "Lord muk-e-muk of the banded ferrets of doom". After brief recalculations, Herb sighed. Now he needed to wait until he fought Brook Shields' jogging headband.

In Response to pheonix (#483):

After a seriously long walk, Mamet and Bill came to a stream. But Bill refused to cross it.

"I have seen things like these before, Emporer! They kill!!!"

Mamet said, "Nonsense, Bill," And started across the stream. When he made it to the other side he looked back. "See, Bill, it's perfectly safe!"

Bill, seeing that the Emporer had not been hurt, also started across the stream, though about halfway through, he suddenly fell into the water and disappeared...

In Response to Lonely Goatherd (#492):

Water from the deceptively shallow-looking stream sprayed onto Mamey’s robes of office as Bill trashed for his very life. Mamey took a step back in distaste as he tried to brush the moisture away. Then, with a look of feigned interest, the monkey lord sucked thoughtfully on his tail as he observed the dark eyes rising from the water behind Bill.

“Please, Mister Most High Emperor, Sir! Help me, or I die!” Bill gasped between desperate breaths.

“That’s Dr. Most High Emperor to you, Bill.” Mamey replied with a frown. “I didn’t spend seven years in medical school to be called Mister.”

In Response to metalboy18uk (#466):

Sex Dwarf turned sharply at the sound of the Baio's approach. "What? Where did you come from? We're... busy!"

Unphased, the Baio continued it's appraoch. "Squishy!" he exclained; his meaning became all to clear as the overwhelming stench reached SD and Herb.

"Err, I, uh..." stammed SD, "I'm not sure I'm into that..." Herb saw that he now had one chance to escape.

In Response to stilllwaiting (#494):

"Now prepare yourself! For such comments shall not go on without incurring my wrath!" the monkey king declared as he gingerly slipped on his latex gauntlets of viscosity. "For your sake I would cower in fear!"

Bill, fearing for his rectum, tightly grasped his hindquarters while trying to keep afloat.
"But master, you promised not in public!" Bill yelped as he was slamed into a jutting turtle....