Recently in Goats: the (Noisy) Mailing List, RPGs were discussed at a bit of length. At the same time, someone - for some reason - called 'dibs' on one of the characters to play. Being a game freak, this got me to thinking about how in the world a Goats RPG would work. I decided that a LARP would work best rather than a game closer to Hamsters: the Gathering or Dungeons and Hamsters. From time to time on breaks at work, my mind would wander back to this idea until what you are about to read was finished. Somewhat lengthy process, but it seems to be done now. Enjoy. If you ever run one of these, let me know. If you're in the Midwest, I might just make a road trip.

Acknowledgements where due on this one - thanks to R Talsorian Games, whose lovely playing card mechanic I modified for this game and to the people who looked at it. And to Matthew on the mailing list, who gave me background on the real Pub...and of course, jon and Phillip.

brief

Premise: It's a normal night at the Peculier Pub.

Twist: It's a normal night at the Peculier Pub in jon rosenberg's Goats: the Comic Strip.

Climax: The Universe (or at least, the universe at the corner of Bleecker and LaGuardia) quakes as evil comes upon the Peculier Pub. The cast must vanquish the Evil, or at least ignore it really well. (What did you expect - Shakesbeer?)

how to play

Getting Started: You need people to play this game. Yes, honest-to-God people. This would be pathetic in a chat room. So, send a message to your friends or let people know through one of the fashionable weeklies that you are going to put together a GARP. Each potential player lets the person who is putting the game together - who we will call the cartoonist - know that they are coming to the game and who they want to be. The cartoonist in return should send back a brief message acknowledging this. Later, the cartoonist needs to let everyone know who's going to play so people can potentially plan ahead of time for the Cartoon Box or anything else they wish to do. It would be good to give each player the names, e-mail, and phone number of the others. The cartoonist at this point may also want to give the characters something to do - some task to perform to keep the character busy during the game. This is of course completely optional - just remember that unlike in many LARPs, intrigue is about as common in Goats as the Pope praying in the direction of Mecca. Things should be general - Phillip should drink. jon can attempt to jump-start his romantic life. Neil and Bob should try to get into at least one good, pimp-slapping argument. Jerrell will probably find happiness if he gets to say 'die' a lot. You get the idea.

Physical Set-Up/Setting: the Peculier Pub. The Peculier Pub. The Peculier Pub. Now, let's be honest. The Pub in reality is a place of business. This is really too bad, as it would of course be the logical place to play. So, one needs a good, large space that can fairly decently hold about 15 people. You need a bar to really do it right. If you can rent out one or have it open up early, this would be good. Nothin' says ambience like potato skins, bad buffalo wings, and a big ol' pint mug of Maibock (some of us just can't _get_ Weihenstephaner on tap...) If you can't get a bar, at least have a nice high table from which Lynda can pour beer at and Waitresses can come and go. A keg of something non-Busch would be nice too, as well as some bottles and maybe the ingredients for martinis or Long Islands or Harvey Wallbangers or some nice Scotch - well, you get the picture (mmm - drunken LARPing.)

Anyway, if you're making your own bar, I heartily suggest you have all players bring something to share. Kind of like a potluck, but with much more beery goodness (though having people bring food would _not_ suck. Think pretzels, popcorn, nachos, and peanuts.) You will also need cups. Encourage your players to bring their favorite things to swill from (I personally have a clay mug that holds about 3/4 of a liter) as this may well get them further into the drunken, happy mood that you want to create here. Otherwise, be sure to order a great deal from the bar. If a place actually lets you make use of their grounds, they are a bar well-deserving of your money. Don't be idiots and tip extraordinarily generously. If there are a number of underage folk amidst your group, remember to politely ask the bartender to be well-stocked in bottled root beer and other carbonated beverages.

It would be good to have barstools and other places for the geeks to sit at if you're doing a homebrew version of the Pub - this is a bar, for goodness' sake. The setting would also do well to be one that has decent acoustics - part of this game _is_ performance for the rest of the players and so it would be nice if everyone had the ability to hear what's happening...

The Cartoon Box: You need a taped-off area in the center area of the Pub. Make it large - 10' X 10' or larger. This is the Cartoon Box. What happens in the Cartoon Box is very important. In fact, it is so important that when someone enters the box, the other players need to shut up. Let the folks in the Cartoon Box be the people that can be heard in the room. There's a reason. In Goats, 9/10 of the action takes place in a small 3"x3" box of the front of the bar. So, we are recreating this by making an area large enough for a few folks to stand comfortably in which the action will occur. If you really want to, you can get one of the Extras (optional - see below) to create a cutscene and thus act as a couch or tv at jon and Phillip's apartment and pretend - make sure the couch has a strong back. If the Box is near the Waitress stand (that area where only servers are allowed in most bars), all the better. There needs to be a few chairs/stools in there for a place to sit and to worship that which is the salvation of all men's souls.

Any person who enters the box has control over the events in the Pub at that point. Think of it as an improvisational stage - They can grab any other character they want and can do anything they darn well please. If they are in character while doing it - and they should be - and get people laughing and enjoying themselves, they get cards and/or props from Lynda (see below for details).

Anything that happens in the Box is canon for the rest of the game. That is, if Phillip decides to create aolcdcoasters.com to gain income in the Box, he can go off for a while, return to the Box, and say that he's made it over beer with Toothgnip. aolcdcoasters.com then can be used for the rest of the game as a plot device. This may be more foresight than some gamers want to utilize, however. On the other hand, having such organizations or infrastructure in a game could be fun to rely in the last part of the game.

There is one regulation that you will probably want to add to keep the action in the Box from becoming completely chaotic. You must resolve your stories in the Box - the plotline can not remain hanging while fifteen other things happen. And if a plotline is open, any new plotline should come from the current one. In other words, a group starts up Plotline A - it's terribly funny. Someone else in the box begins Plotline B, a very severe and weighty plot with Fish - B should grow out of A. A should be resolved first, then B. Got it? Good. This sounds a bit strange, but remember that you are performing for the other players. It's a lot easier for the audience to follow if there is actually movement of the story that you are creating together. Stories within stories within stories tend to make some people very confused, particularly when they are in their cups. If you really don't think this is going to happen, don't worry about this regulation.

The Waitresses and Lynda (see below) have the authority to stop a scene - in character if at all possible - if it's getting old or if someone's _really_ hogging the Box. As for plot continuity from the comic, simply regard everything that has happened in Goats: The Comic Strip before as having happened, _with_ the exception of the zombie plotline. It is likely that anyone who wants to play a Waitress will want to play Lori, and she's - well - undead now. However, since Stephanie and Siobahn actually work at the real Pub these days, use them as well, if at all possible.

Remember, you want to entertain your fellow players. This game - like the comic - is a lot about entertainment. Do a good job, and you will be rewarded by...

Lynda: Lynda is very, very important. She keeps the bar going, not Tommy. Lynda keeps the beer coming. Remember, she who controls the beer controls the universe. She also is in charge of watching what happens in the cartoon box. If she likes what's happening, she will give out cards or props. (see below) She's sort of the referee for the Cartoon Box. However, if possible, Lynda will also be pulling beer and acting as a bartender should.

Whenever someone is doing something clever and interesting that is Goats-related in the box, this is really good. It means that the creative juices are flowing and people are probably being entertained by the characters in the Cartoon Box. The game rewards this sort of behavior by giving out playing cards and props. Lynda, as mentioned above, is the judge of everything that happens there. She directs continuity, watches for laughter and genius and all that good stuff. At the end of each freeform sequence in the Box that one of the cast performs, Lynda has the option to place props or dealing cards facedown on the bar that the characters may pick up as they are leaving the Box. Any prop that is brought into the bar must be approved by Lynda. She may decide that she wants it as a prop to give out. Don't quibble - Lynda is Goddess in this game. Thus, Lynda may be giving out several crazy mad props throughout the game. See below for more details on props.

Suffice to say, Lynda is going to be a very busy person and every busy bartender needs:

Waitresses: You are going to need Lori, Siobahn, and Stephanie, or at least one of them. While being in character is important for the three, helping out Lynda and belittling the customers (i.e. being barmaids) is even more so. They also can be asked game-related questions, so the three (as well as Lynda) need to be aware of the rules. If one of the other players start hogging the Box, the Waitresses are in a much better position to toss them out or to bluntly suggest to sit back a bit than Lynda, who is essentially stuck behind the bar. The Waitresses, of course, can fill in for Lynda should she need to step out for a minute. The Waitresses can also be affected by the on-going plots (i.e. Lori can _become_ a zombie.)

NOTE: You gamers out there may note something. As far as moderating/GMing/guiding the game goes, the four most important people in the game are _female_. That's right, female. This could prove to be a problem with some gaming groups. If you absolutely insist, you can have someone in drag be Lynda, Lori, Stephanie, and Siobahn, but let's face it - it just isn't the same. If the person who puts the game together insists on taking Lynda's place behind the bar, isn't female, and refuses to be Lynda (man, what a wanker...), he can play Tommy. And he had better be a big karaoke fan...

The rest of the cast: To play, you need at least jon, Phillip, Toothgnip, Diablo, and whatever evil comes your way (see below for ideas). And Lynda of course, as well as at least one Waitress of the three - it would of course be the best to have all three. Having Jerrell, Neil, and Bob would be almost as neccessary. Of lesser importance (though still excellent and heartily suggested) would be Lauren, Chessmaster 2000 (who definitely needs his sidekick Speak-n-Spell in play) Frank Coffee, Scott Baio, Brooke Shields, Toph, Tommy, Fish, and Jay. Characters like Twix and Little Girl, though lots of fun, would be difficult to interact with at the Pub. I would suggest that people who have LARPed before might wish to take on major roles, while those who would just like to watch take minor parts and just play along. If a person really wants to be somebody minor like the Amish gent or Little Girl, suggest to them that could be one of the:

Extras: You may wish to have a couple of people at the bar constantly to act as extras for whatever is happening in the box. Need a delivery from aolcdcoasters.com? These are the delivery folks. Need to have two people to act out the adventures of Diablo and Shazam? Yep, they keep up with Diablo's story. After they die, do their work, etc., they return to the bar. They are not permanently affected by the plots, because they play more than one person. They are, in effect, the random barflies that look vaguely like Jay that are the first to have their brains devoured by zombies or used as jealousy bait on jon by Gretchen. However, if they want to initiate that they are one of the characters that aren't there, or a possible rival for Lauren, they simply need to step into the box, get the proper characters, and start the scene. An extra may not be a person in the Pub that someone else is playing unless they are some sort of clone or Bizarro World character or flashback during a story. And the extras don't get props and cards. They're window dressing and diversions. Get the picture?

Props: Mark props and costumes clearly. If you need Diablo's laptop and only have a mock-up, mark it as Diablo's Laptop. Bring props for your characters if you can think of some good ones. You will certainly need the Panties of Potency at least. jon and Phillip would do well to have their particular beer glasses, and of course, the Crispy Fries gun would probably be useful for Neil and Bob. So, bring props. Bring crazy mad props. They may give you points (see the mechanics section), and it'll definitely be more fun than miming.

Oh, and for goodness' sakes, try to dress up and costume. Even if you don't look exactly like Diablo, give it a shot. If nothing else, you'll get some cheap laughs anyway.

Mechanics: Goats is funny. Goats is pretty fast and loose with reality. If you or the players in your GARP are big rules lawyers (for you non-gamers, this is a person who not only enjoys understanding the rules, but gets peeved that everyone else isn't following them with the same exactitude that the Lawyer is), you're going to get pretty frustrated. The mechanics are pretty simple, and you might not use them very much. So, if you're going to play in the GARP, you need to remember that...if you get that, though, you'll do well. We're here to have fun, not to be the Dark Prince of Muncie, Indiana and hold control of the World Of Darkness. The GARP is not so much about intrigue and sophistication as beer, pretzels, Hunter S Thompson, and laughing.

There is a certain amount of disbelief you are going to have to have - cute, Satanic chickens do not often show at pubs in our world. Therefore, you are going to need to believe that if somebody says something odd (say, they say that the bottle in their hand is a bottle of Goat Scrotum Ale when it's in fact Louie's Evil Lager) you need to believe them and not assert your own reality on them. Now, here's where it's going to get a trifle complicated.

Recall that when doing things in the Cartoon Box that are in character and funny or at least sufficiently interesting, Lynda gives you cards and props. The props have already been discussed, but we're going to touch on the props with points (thanks for being patient, yes...) The cards, however, are part of the main mechanic - Lynda will be giving out cards from two standard 54-card playing decks. One set will be for the good guys and one will be for the bad guys (I suggest a blue and red set of Bicycle cards - they make the best noise when being shuffled). And they help with the conflict resolution.

What do I mean by conflict resolution? Well, any time that two or more people have some sort of difference of opinion (for example, jon thinking that Diablo needs to get a job), a conflict is generated. Now, the two characters then have a choice - they can either act it out or they can use their cards to help to resolve the conflict and move the plot ahead. In the case mentioned above, it would seem to make sense to have Diablo to take a job, as having a Satanic Chicken go through the want ads is always hilarious. However, for more important matters, simple acting may not enough. These cases are usually competitions or oneupsmanship or matters of taste or when Good clashes with Evil. Most matters can be solved just by being in character and should either be solved by way of just telling the story. You may wnat to ask Lynda for her judgement - she's a good authority.

For conflict resolution that goes beyond simple hamming and improv acting, you will need to use a mixture of creativity and scores. Here's how it works - many thanks to Mike Pondsmith at R Talsorian for making Castle Falkenstein - these rules are heavily based on his playing-card mechanic used in his excellent High Adventure in the Steam Age RPG:

Each person has four attributes. They will be written down and given to each player at the beginning of the game on a piece of paper. These attributes are taken from the personality and characteristics displayed in Goats: The Comic Strip. Minor characters will tend to have lower scores than major ones. Sorry, but them's the breaks - Neil and Bob are much more interesting and can do much more than Fish. On the other hand, minor characters win over jon and Phillip all the time.

Each stat is named after a suit of cards, for reasons we will get into in just a minute. Each suit represents a couple of basic concepts.

• Hearts: Hearts represents the emotional side of things. Of course, this is something that the Goats characters basically suck at, so extraordinarily high scores are pretty rare. This also covers what can only be explained as their Love-Groove/mojo/experience in the ways of shagging. Lori, by virtue of being a bitter tart, has a somewhat high Hearts score. jon, by virtue of being completely repulsive to women, has a low one. Phillip has an ok one, since he is understanding enough of emotional matters to keep a girlfriend.

• Diamonds: The second suit is all about the mind. Intellectual and technical feats. Geeks tend to score pretty high. However, Diamonds also represent the surreal and all of that odd reality-altering stuff that just tends to happen by virtue of being a cartoon character. Phillip scores high in Diamonds because though he is completely bereft of common sense, he makes all sorts of cool shit. Actually, most characters in Goats (with the exception of Jay who gets low points for the simple fact that he enjoys Busch) have a fairly decent score in Diamonds because they all tend to be either improbable in the first place or they are weirdness magnets.

• Clubs: Clubs represent the physical world. Violence - Strength - Ability to wield a lightsaber - these things a high-Clubbed person has abilities with. Also, in an actual physical altercation (a _very_ rare thing in Goats), Clubs is where it happens. The Clubs suit also represents that greatest of manifestations of Good in the world - beer. Beer solves problems. It really does. Especially in Goats. Phillip (who you might start to notice is looking pretty good so far, mechanics-wise) aces this topic. The total lack of strength - and the fact that he's underage - of Chessmaster puts him very low in this respect.

• Spades: Social interaction and common sense are what Spades are about. This represents - among other things - how well a character gets along with others, how well you can talk your way out of a situation, and being able to deny the surreal with good old-fashioned horse sense. Most Goats characters aren't particularly high in this, but folks like Frank Coffee and Lynda and Toothgnip have a good smattering of it. Phillip, on the other hand, sucks ass regarding Spades.

Here's where the cards and props come in. You can augment your base score by playing a card of the suit you're resolving in (jon trying to talk his way out of a date with Gretchen would probably use Spades) You add the number of that card to your base score. To play the card, show it while performing and give to Lynda or a Waitress, who will put it back into the appropriate deck. You do not need to use a card or prop to resolve a conflict (each attempt of resolution with points is called a volley), but it'll help a lot. However, remember that you must do this in character - just shrugging off Gretchen with no motivation or creativity will fail you autmomatically. You can use a card that is not the correct suit, but it will only count as one point towards the total score. Oh, and for those non-number cards - J=11, Q=12, K=13, A=14. Jokers are worth fourteen and are wild - any suit. You may not trade cards with other players. You may play multiple cards per volley. Everybody got that? Good.

There's more. As we all know, many of the altercations in Goats take several days to finish up and are chock full of interaction. This often involves lots of banter and lots of odd things happening. So, after the initial comparison of volleys, the losing character has the option of initiating a second volley of a different suit. This must be done quickly - Lynda will be watching and will call time if it's taking too long for the loser to come up with a snappy way to return fire. If the loser can do something interesting, they may add the score of that suit to the volley, along with whatever points they accumulate from props and cards that they use. At this point, play returns to the other player, who may return fire with pithy dialogue or wacky oaction of their own - of a different suit from their original volley. This may continue until both players have exhausted all four suits, until Lynda calls Time, or until Lynda judges the scene otherwise to be done (for example, if one of the actions actually knocks an oppnent out of the box for reasons of unconsciousness, Teleportation via PTP, or something like that). Everybody got that? You can string several actions together, but you have to let your opponent return fire.

Certain props will also have values - this is up to - again - Lynda's whims - For example, the Crispy Fries Gun is probably the equivalent of the Ace of Clubs. The Panties are probably a very high face card of Hearts. Certain beers may have values as well. Some props are simply fun to play with. Again, up to Lynda. Lynda is the final judge.

The major difference between props and cards is that props can be used again and again. Multiple characters may use them as well, though you recall that the cast tends to be very edgy about letting people use their things (Toothgnip killed Diablo over the Panties, for example) However, Lynda may rule that a prop used to vanquish evil can't be used again and again. For example, if Toothgnip uses his Panties to seduce Gretchen and make her lose interest in performing at the Pub, he probably shouldn't use them to take out Evil Lori the Bitter Sweetie. It's unoriginal and doesn't give other people a chance to do cool stuff of their own.

Again, remember. Lynda hands out the playing cards and valued props to help in the game based on how well you perform in the Cartoon Box. The better you do in there and the better you act your parts, the more Lynda will give you cards. Later on, when Evil enters the bar, the people who are more in character will have more chances to take on the Evil and succeed. This way, the mechanics reward the Funyon whores and orb-oglers out there.

Evil: A ways into the game, Lynda will call a timeout and give folks either a chance to relax or to do a little planning. While Lynda can do this at any time, you may wish to do it once a certain number of alcoholic beverages have been served - say, once everyone has gone through two or three drinks. Because Lynda's been busy, she does one simple thing. She will take out the second deck of cards and put it next to what remains of the first, and take as many cards from the second deck as needed until the two decks are of the same height. The cards that she takes from the second deck she will then deal to the evil characters until none of those cards remain. She will then take a well-deserved break.

So, if you've followed the rules so far (Congratulations! Go get a beer!), you'll note that the more cool stuff that the good guys have done, the more cards will have been dealt out. The more cards that the good guys get, the more cards the evil players get. The more cards that the bad guys get, the greater the opportunity for the evil players to come into play and wreak havoc. This means that the evil players will always be as potentially as powerful as the good guys at the time that Lynda called the break. Evil players may not join forces. That's just naughty, and let's face it. None of the good characters are smart enough to know what to do about it teaming up.

After the afore-mentioned break called by Lynda, evil may enter the bar. The bad guys are given a chance to interact and do things that are Evil. Well, as evil as Goats characters really can be. A Zombie can attempt to feed on the brains of the denizens. Evil jon can do something nefarious. Gretchen can attempt to get a job waiting tables and making jon's life miserable. Crud Puppy can...no, wait...never mind.

In any case, the sanctity of the Pub has been defiled and justice must be dealt to the evildoers swiftly before the beer runs out. However, evil may only be dealt with in the only way that the Fetid Four and their pals know how - stupidly and without too much forethought. At this point, Lynda will need to do some serious adjucating. Lynda will want to familiarize herself with the rules beforehand. It might not be a bad idea for Stephanie, Siobahn, and Lori to be able to adjucate as well, depending on how big the gathering is. So, who are the bad guys?

The Evil Cast: Evil jon is almost necessary - he's been a reoccurring character and he has the word 'evil' in his name. Other folks from the Bizarro universe could be fun, such as Christian Diablo and the Busch-drinking Phillip. Gretchen would be a great character to bring in if you can give her a decent nefarious motivation. Note that this is a nefarious motivation in relation to the Goats cast, so it doesn't have to be taking over the world. See if you can find an accordian player to play Gretchen (Judy Tenuda is best). A zombie threat could be a lot of fun, especially if they start going after the Waitresses or Lynda. Or more importantly, find a way to cut off the beer supply. There are a number of other villainous creatures in the strip - feel free to use any of them. You may want to have some of the extras play the Evil Cast, or maybe just have them sitting back and watching until Lynda calls the timeout. Your call. Now, what do we do with these people during the first half...excellent question!

What to do with the Evil players before the timeout: This is the call of the Cartoonist. There are three ways I can see it working:

1. Spectators. The Evil Players act as spectators for the first half, just being bar patrons and watching the on-going oddities.
2. Soundproof booth. Put them in a separate room and let them plot. Give them some Cheapass Games (from Cheapass Games Inc) or the old Nuclear War card game to get them in the mood.
3. More Extras: Have the evil players act as extra Extras so they can warm up and find out what's going on in the Pub. I suggest this one - gets everybody into the game more. Don't forget to have other Extras, too. When these players become their Evil characters, they can use the Extras and other evil players as evil Extras (mostly window dressing, but evil jon does look better with cyborg weasels behind him).

That's all you really need to start playing.

stats 'n' samples

This last bit consists of the stats for the Fetid Four, evil jon, Jerrell, and Lori. Also, I'll show you a series of sample conflict resolutions based off of these rules taken directly from the Goats comic. Then go play.

• jon (with a small 'j', dammit)
  • Hearts: 3 (repulsive to women, bitter and crusty before his time)
  • Diamonds: 9 (geek but really a pretty normal guy. Except for his pets)
  • Clubs: 7 (Liver of iron, but pretty damn weak)
  • Spades: 8 (Can usually talk his way out of a situation, can't talk to women worth a damn)
• Phillip
  • Hearts: 8 (Regularly gets some with Lauren, pretty damn clueless otherwise)
  • Diamonds: Jack (makes really cool stuff, inventor of the PTP)
  • Clubs: Ace (Holder of the Great White Beast itself, and a liver of titanium)
  • Spades: 4 (not very sharp in interpersonal stuff, and kinda anti-social)
• Toothgnip
  • Hearts: 3 (He's a Goat, for goodness' sake...)
  • Diamonds: 10 (fairly intelligent and used to work for Thor. And he talks.)
  • Clubs: 4 (He's a goat and he doesn't drink beer)
  • Spades: 7 (More common sense than most, tends to sneer at most people)

  • Wearer of the Panties of Potency (equiv to an Ace of Hearts) - Lynda may not take these from Toothgnip without his approval.
• Diablo
  • Hearts: 10 (He's a chicken, but he's so cute! Also, being a poker buddy of Satan, he has inroads into understanding mere mortals.)
  • Diamonds: Queen (High business acumen and he's a lieutenant of the Dark One. You do the math.)
  • Clubs: 5 (Though he has the strength of poultry, he and beer have a passing acquaintance)
  • Spades: 9 (Though a bit clueless, he is frighteningly charming. Must be because he's cute.)
• Jerrell
  • Hearts: 4 (Die Die Die, but has a hairy back)
  • Diamonds: 5 (Die Die Die Hamsters & Dragons Fornicate)
  • Clubs: 8 (Die Die Die P A)
  • Spades: 9 (Die Die Die 666 Bribe? Die Die)
• Lori
  • Hearts: Jack ("What? That she's a bitter tart?")
  • Diamonds: 8 (Can do the bar tab, enjoys decimating men's souls, but fairly normal)
  • Clubs: 9 (Knows her beer and has a bit of a punch)
  • Spades: 5 (Doesn't particularly play well with others)
• evil jon
  • Hearts: 9 ("Give me some sugar, baby...")
  • Diamonds: Queen (From the Bizarro universe and a geek. Not bad.)
  • Clubs: 10 (Beer-lover, and likes violence. And sugar. Mmm...sugar.)
  • Spades: 5 (Problem with being an evil genius is that you just don't get out a lot. And he expected Phillip not to think 'Herve Villechaize'. How silly is that?)

Conflict resolution: At the Extreme Brewing Festival. Refresh your memory and don't forget the all-important first Shazam Twix story of Diablo's.

Phillip and jon have taken Phillip's Goat Scrotum Ale to the Festival. Jerrell brought his DIE.DIE.DIE.P.A. Lori is judging.

• First contestant who bows before her in humility has a 4 in Clubs but no cards. Lori has a 9 as a base number and several cards. However, she senses the first contestant's weakness and makes him cower. (9 over 4 wins)

• Second contestant with his Xtreme Brew attempts to win her over with his manly beery sports ways. However, his manly extreme sports ways pretty much suck - as does his beer (a 6 in Clubs) and his abilities in Love-Groove are pretty abyssmal as well (4 in Hearts). He decides to go with his stronger suit and talks up the beer and all of the manly places he's put it to brew (meantime, he shows a 5 of Clubs - higher than Lori's base). He now has the equivalent of a jack of clubs. Luckily, Lori has a 4 of clubs and belittles his knowledge and ability in brewing. She plays the 4 and the snowboarder is shot down. (9+4 over 6+5 wins)

• Third contestant is pretty damn odd for a beer contest. His Diamonds are very high (Queen), but his Clubs are pretty low (5). So he goes for the intellectual volley, talking about the esoterics of his satellite and plays a 5 of Diamonds. Right now, he showing 17 points. Lori takes a completely different tact. Though she has a high Club in her hand, she's holding it in wait for Phillip, who she sees down the row. She uses instead one of her highest Spades, a Jack, and two Hearts for one point each and goes for a common sense ploy. That puts her over the top, and she calmly asserts that the brewer in fact has no beer to sample. The third contestant breaks down. (5+11+1+1 over 12+5 wins)

• Fourth contestant is Jerrell. Jerrell's Clubs Score is 8, Lori's is 9. Jerrell's DIE DIE DIE P.A. has been given a thumbs up by Lynda, giving it the equivalent of 3 of Clubs, a Prop with Points. Jerrell is now at 11 and plays Clubs without a card. Lori tastes it and plays a 6 of Diamond, discussing the technical excellence of taste, but saying that it misses something. It's somewhat of an intellectual ploy (and Lynda allows it as such), and so her score is 6 added to her base Diamonds score (8). Lori is now at 14 and feeling smug. Jerrell resorts to a return volley of a different suit - bribery (a Social/Spades volley). He drops some money and an Ace. He adds this to his cumulative score as well as his Spades base (9). This shoots Jerrell over the top to a whopping 34 points. Lori's player realizes that Lori probably could return a volley with her Clubs base score and card, but that if she wants to keep the money, she's going to have to allow Jerrell to win and deal with jon and Phillip. Jerrell gets the trophy and Lori starts counting her money. (8+3+14+9 over 6+8 wins)

I'll leave what happens to Phillip as an exercise for the reader. Check it out in the archives and send me your analysis.

Enough talk. Now go play.

You can send your comments to Drew Johnson, who can be frequently found on Goats-Fans or Goats-Comic as Bob the Dancing Monkey. If you have ideas for stats for the other players, let me know - I may add them to a later addition.

version

This is Version 1.0 of this document.