__                                                                __ __
 ___\                                                              /  /
/___\\          G  O  A  T  S  :  T  H  E    F  A  Q               | /
/ / . \___                    (v. 1.0)                           /---_
 <    ___/                   (07/12/99)                      .__/. /  |
  \  /_\                                                     |      __|
  |  |                                                       |  |\__/   |  |                                                       |/\|  \   --------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

0. Introduction

     A. So-Here-It-All-Is-In-Beautiful-ASCII section.

So, here it is - everything and anything that you'd want to know about Goats: The Comic Strip. From the origin of the Strip to Evil Jon's bra size. If you have questions you'd like to ask, please send them to djohnson@snowplow.org. If they're useful/interesting/amusing/disgusting enough, I'll add them to the next version.

     B. Acknowledgements-To-Everyone-I-Think-Of Section.

This couldn't have been written without the contributions of:
Goats: The Mailing List (goats-fans@onelist.com - in particular: Sheryl Stoller - elisefru@hotmail.com) Goats: The Franchise (http://www.goats.com/)
Goats: The Carleton College Fans (Adventures in Geekdom -> Topic 5)
Goats: The Gratuitous Spaceballs Reference

And of course, jon, Phillip, Lynda, and Lori.

     C: Final-Thanks-Cuz-He's-O-So-Humble section.

So thanks.

-Drew Johnson

I. Goats: The Strip

Q: When did Goats get started?
A: April 1, 1997. The basic story of its origin was that Phillip, while in his cups, suggested to jon that he should write a comic strip. jon agreed.

Yup, that's all there is to the story.

Q: Goats: The comic Strip has several character types that seem to come up again and again in the greater Western mythology of folk heroes/demigods. Is jon trying to use Campbellian mythos concepts to map his characters out onto the larger psyche vis a vis archetypes?
A: Well, let's see. Let's look at the main characters of not only Goats, but also of Sluggy Freelance and User Friendly, two other major geek comics.

Jon -> Torg -> Mike -> The Sweet, Affable Everyman Loser/Hero
Phillip -> Riff -> Pitr -> The Tinker/Sorcerer
Toothgnip -> Kiki -> Dust Puppy -> the Self-absorbed Sidekick
Diablo -> Bun-Bun -> Erwin -> The Trickster
Lori -> Zoe -> Miranda -> The Unattainable Female

It seems to work at some level. However, a better mapping can be made from Goats to a more current group of lore.

Jon -> Baby Spice
Phillip -> Sporty Spice
Toothgnip -> Posh Spice
Diablo -> Scary Spice
Lori-> Ginger Spice

This mapping obviously makes jon's true intents much more openly available to the general population. Girl power!

Q: Where did Diablo come from?
A: This really hasn't been yet covered. Supposedly, jon's working on it for a future series.

Q: How about Toothgnip?
A: See The story of the Panties of Potency in the archives - 6/21/98 to 6/28/98.

Q: What do Jon and Phillip do, anyway?
A: Supposedly, they are semi-productive IT-types.

Q: What's with Toothgnip's name?
A: Goes back to Norse mythology. Thor's goats had names like Toothgnasher and Toothgrinder. Toothgnip was...not quite in their league.

Q: For some reason, I have a deep overwhelming need to know Evil Jon's bra size.
A: 33AAA. Glad to help.

Q: So if I was to get to third base with Jon, what color would the base be?
A: Umm. It'd be box-shaped and pink as a flamingo. Next question.

Q: In the 8/31/97 cartoon, Jon asks Phillip, "You named [the aliens] Neil and Bob?" Is there something that I'm missing?
A: Read the names quickly. It's a phrase. It's vulgar. Figure it out. Be offended.

Q: Who is the rodent fetishist of the two aliens?
A: While both aren't above taking a trip to the pet store for a date, Bob is the one who generally goes on about his 'sweet, sweet Fluffy'.

Q: I have a hard time telling the difference between Neil and Bob.
A: So does everyone. What do you want, shirts with big 'N's and 'B's imprinted on them?

Q: How many times has Diablo been decapitated?

A: Four. Once by that eggplant thing, once by Toothgnip, once upon eating live firecrackers, once by Jerrell (off-screen).

Q: What's that thing around Phillip's neck in the earlier comics?
A: A strange deformity caused by the drinking of Bud Light late at night when he was 13 (kids, take this as a warning. Only drink hand-crafted homebrews when you irresponsibly drink underage. Your body will thank you later.)

Seriously, it's a necklace in the shape of Mjolnir. As in Thor's hammer. You know, Thor. The Norse god of Thunder ("Binky" to his drinking chums). According to the old tales, Mjolnir would get bigger if you rubbed it and would fly back to his hand upon use. We'll leave your imagination to fly from that point.

Q: I've spent weeks, nay, months trying to figure out that horrible Ringo Starr joke from November of 1997. I just don't get it. Can you explain it to me?
A: No.

Q: Bastard. You don't know the answer either.
A: Well, not until I asked jon. Here's the answer.

Jon the character, Nov 6, 1998:
'Maybe the Ringo stole your clay bee.'
From _A Cry in the Dark_ with Meryl Streep:
'Maybe the dingo stole your baby.'

Yeah. I didn't get it either.

Q: How many women has Toothgnip shagged?
A: If we assume that every woman that has ever been attracted by Toothgnip has had sex with him (i.e. his various groupies) - which according to his panties should occur on a regular basis - we can count 24, if we count the oriental stewardesses Diablo mentioned as eight (5/21/99). That is, 24 that actually showed up or were explicitly mentioned in the comic. Considering that the Panties of Potency make any woman swoon (or more appropriately, want to get into what's inside them), this number may in fact be in the thousands.

Q: What is Diablo's relation to Satan?
A: Diablo is Satan's nephew and poker buddy.

Q: What has Phillip created or invented?
A: The Pudding Hut (and resulting Pudding Transfer Protocol) and the la-z-boy 2000. He's reassembled a lemon. He invented a portable steak griller. And the idea for moistnap.com. Yes, he truly is a genius. A genius who is not above stealing.

Q: So where's that one with Jesus' Peanut Butter Cups? I've someone who I want to offend by putting it on their cubicle wall/dorm room door/corporate webpage.
A: Ah. Excellent choice. Only the rodent buggery strips offend more people. But for good, straightforward offensiveness, nothing beats the comic of March 13, 1998.

Q: Jerrell is the most godawful character in Goats! Get rid of him!
A: Strangely, he seems to actually have a bit of a following. There also seems to be a number of people who'd like to crush his head like a melon. Jerrell remains blissfully ignorant.

Q: Harkonnen? Spice? Worms? Huh?
A: That whole series is essentially jon waggling his geek testicles (I know, pretty thought). It's a reference to Frank Herbert's Dune series.

Q: Recently, I picked up a number of babies for beer handling in my apartment. Unfortunately, the duct tape doesn't hold very well. How did Diablo do it?
A: The duct tape is there just for show. In fact, Diablo also used clear packing tape to hold the weight. The best thing to do is to coat the diaper with the tape first, then to add the lateral strands to the wall, then add more tape to the diaper. Then cover the whole thing with duct tape.

Q: Why do the children have no noses?
A: Children have no noses until puberty. Everyone knows this.

Q: I want to drink just like the freaks in Goats. What are they drinking in the strip so that I can strictly conform to my heroes like the mindless slave I am?
A: -Jon: IPA
-Phillip: heife-weizen (Weihenstephaner, most likely)
-Toothgnip: a cocktail, presumably a vodka martini
-Diablo: Louie's Evil Lager, one would think
-Lori: AB negative

Q: What lessons have we learned?
A:

• "All supermodels must sleep with Bob."
  
• "The accordian is not an aphrodisiac."
  
• "Don't piss off Norse gods. They give you cool stuff."
  
• "Don't be cute. Be evil."
  
• "Beer will never go on a business trip."
  
• "Judd Nelson will never win an Emmy."
  
• "Monetary gifts to FAQ writers make you sexually attractive."
  
• "Beer conquers all."
  
• "Group sex can be fun."
  
• "A joke can become tired and lame after only four consecutive uses."
  
• "Garfield is insanely funny."
  
• "No matter what the dimension, evil or good, Brooke Shields is a talentless, useless, vapid waste of skin."

Soon to be included in the new wall poster, "Everything I needed to know I learned from Jerrell."

II. Goats: The Reality

Q: Where is the Peculier Pub?
A: (from jon) "NW corner of bleecker and laguardia, manhattan, a handful of blocks south of washington square park."

Q: When I make the mecca to the Peculier Pub, what should I order?
A: First of all, it's a hajj, not a mecca. Foolish non-Muslim Goats fan.

The question is not what to order, but how to order it. Be sure to dress up as your favorite Goats character and to bellow your order at the top of your lungs, followed by 'wench!' For example, "Bring me Newcastle Brown, wench!" This will make certain that you never drink there again and thus your pilgrimage will be a once-in-a-lifetime experience. And remember the wisdom of Jay and Howie G - order some o-so-smooth Busch Light Draft.

Q: Are the birthdays on the Goats page real?
A: Yup. Celebrate the birthdays with monetary gifts. Ben Franklin bills are just another way of saying that you care.

Q: Besides Lynda, Lori, Phillip, and jon do any other characters have direct counterparts?
A: Obviously, Scott Baio (though Mr Baio is much more obsessed with bodily functions than the one that Goats portrays) and Brooke Shields. Other than that, not really.

At least, you wouldn't think so. However, despite the fact that Jerrell acts like the Muppets' Beaker after ritual satanic abuse (that'll show up great on the search engines..), he is quite real. Yes, you read that right. Jerrell is real.scary, but true.

Actually, Jay is real too. Cheryl is sorta real (there's a Cheryl, but she doesn't look like that). Pretty much any woman jon has dated in the strip is based on someone real. Tommy is real. Biff is a hybrid between jon's brother and his friend Emily's brother.

Q: Is it me, or is the artwork in Goats derivative of Bloom County?
A: jon has mentioned his admiration for the work of Berke Breathed several times in the goats-fans mailing list. Derivative? Maybe a little. However, there is no truth to the rumor that Jon and Phillip are, in fact, Binkley and Milo in a witness protection program.

Q: I want to go to a costume party as one of the Geek Patrol. What do I need?
A: Wow. A geek going as a fictional geek imitating a geeky superhero as drawn by a geek. I want pictures. Anyway, here's what you need.

For Jon (aka Patheticus):

• Goggles
• Football pads for chest
• White work shirt
• Thin Black Tie (or thicker, if you're copying jon in the readme picture of 12/98)
• Black wrist guards
• Knee pads (hockey shin guards in real life)
• Lots of hair gel to get the hair right
• AOL CD-ROMS

• Propeller Beanie
• Blanket tied around neck
• Snow blindness strip glasses
• T-Shirt
• Leopardskin Briefs or Panties
• Belt w/fried egg belt buckle
• The Spam armor (six hollowed cans of spam connected together, protecting each arm of Cap'n Brunch)
• Spam. Lots of spam.

Q: Where does jon get his ideas?
A: There is a supernatural geographic location beneath the apartment complex that jon and Phillip live in called the DorkMouth. All of jon's inspiration comes directly from there. And the picture of a scantily-clad Linus Torvalds.

Q: Why is 'jon' spelled all in small-case letters on the website and FAQ?
A: Damned if I know.

Q: What is www.smartmoney.com and www.theglobe.com?
A: 'SPELL D-A-Y J-O-B-S'.

Q: So why isn't Goats syndicated?
A: jon enjoys poverty and rejection.

Q: Phillip is a great artist! Where did he get that unique style of his?
A: Ever see those Family Circus strips where Billy sits in for Bill Keane? Phillip has a full collection.

Q: Where did Phillip get that Viking helmet in the readme files?
A: A friend of his girlfriend from the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism) made it for him. Pretty, no?

Q: What's an IPA?
A: India Pale Ale. In general, a rather hopsy ale that tends - on average - to be a bit more bitter than your 'normal' beer. Fans of the taste of hops tend to like it.

Q: What's a heife-weizen?
A: A wheat beer. A very, very tasty wheat beer. Often drunk with a lemon slice. Different people do different things with the lemon. And they're all ok. Some people do not drink it with a lemon slice. They are either from the Old World, or prigs.

Q: What's Weihenstephaner?
A: Many believe (particularly Goats fans who aren't _quite_ in the know) it to simply be a brand of heife-weizen. In fact, it's one of the oldest breweries in the world.

Q: Is jon really as pathetic as he sounds like in the comic strip?
A: Depends on the week.

Q: What is Lori's address?
A: lori@goats.com. If there's another one, she'll let you know.

Q: No, I mean her real address.
A: Err. She lives in New York City. What more do you want to know?

Q: What's her last name?
A: She's a cartoon character, Mister. Get over it and go back to the pornographic gifs of Yakko and Dot sitting on your hard drive.

Q: Bra size?
A: Ok, kids. One more word and we're turning this car around...

Q: Is Lori really as nasty in real life as in the strip?
A: Well, according to one source (Dino of www.dinomentia.com), she is 'sweet and cuddly'. Take that as you will.

Q: So, whatever happened with that 3-d thing that jon went on about?
A: The original work had to get screapped, but jon is working with one of jon and Phillip's old college friends to make it happen. The current status report from jon on the project is:

-"We've far surpassed the amount of work that was done by that [other] lameass guy; the models for all the characters are in the final stages. should be ready first or second quarter of '00."

Q: When does Goats get updated?
A: Whenever jon makes a new one. In general, the strip updates around midnight on sunday night through thursday night, dated for the next day.

III. Goats: The Franchise

Q: How many people read Goats per day?
A: About 3000/day.

Q: The Internet must be free! Why does jon insist on having ads?
A: Because money is good. It makes things work. Like the Goats site. The more money that jon and Phillip generate through the ads, the less they have to put up out of their own pocket. So, if you click on those ads, you continue to be able to get the comic without bankrupting jon and Phillip. And buy their stuff, too.

Q: How much does it cost to run on a monthly basis?
A: More than you think. Click that ad there. Think an upcoming T1 (~$1200/month alone), two domains, and hardware considerations. All told, a metric shitload/month.

Q: When will the Moistnap chat room open?
A: Be Patient. Be very, very patient.

Q: Do you mean that the whole moistnap.com thing is real?
A: http://www.moistnap.com. Read it and weep.

Q: When is my moistnap.com delivery going to get here?
A: Eventually. You did fill out the form properly, right?

Q: Does jon read the goats-fans mailing list?
A: He used to. Occasionally, other people still keep him current.

Q: How do I get something into the Features page?
A: Make something amusing. Send it to features@goats.com. Win cash prizes.

Q: Is there a plan for a Goats book?
A: The idea has been bandied about. Nothing clear yet.

IV. Goats: The Internet Presence

Q: What resources are available on the Internet concerning Goats?
A: -E-mail:
jon@goats.com
Straight from the mouth of the creator. He answers e-mail. he even posts some of it.

goats-fans@onelist.com
Go to the onelist.com site and add your name to the mindless throng that is the goats-fans mailing list. Discussions of men, women, beer, and occasionally even the comic strip ensue. Also a decent place to get early information about the site and strip. Currently, there are over 160 people on the list.

-IRC:
#goats.com on EFnet
#goats.com on Undernet
#goats on Undernet
Take your pick or read all three.