Ah, beer. Well, alcohol, really. Webster's probably defines alcohol as a beverage created by fermenting certain grains and fruits. Hell with that. Goats: the Site describes alcohol (well, beer anyway...) as the salvation of all men's souls. Not to mention women's. For some reason, the Internet is home to a great number of that most worthy of sports, the drinking game. However, most of them having to do with some pansy-ass thing like "Family Circus drinking game" or "Teletubbies drinking game" or "Seven of Nine's Number of Lines and Gratuitous Breast Shot drinking game".

No. Stop that. Don't fire up the damn search engine. Come back here.

Instead, think of Goats. Two guys, two women, two animals, two aliens, one eggplant. Kind of like Noah's Ark, but a with a significantly increased number of fluffy rodents, and the eggplant parmesan has to go a long way. Think of the past two years and what Jon has done to our senses of humor. After that, what else is there to do, then, but drink?

Think of this list as a daily ritual, an affirmation of all that is good about the comic that holds, nay, binds your soul. Many drinking games only require you to drink once or twice for an entire hour (a high-quality Star Trek: the Next Generation episode with no Guinan and no Riker can keep you stone cold sober, according to one list based off of that show). Instead, Goats: the Drinking Game should get your day or evening started with a bang, or at least with a 'Fuuuuck...'.

All drinks are cumulative. I really don't suggest playing this while reading through the archives - it was more intended on sort of a day-to-day basis. These drinking games are much more exciting while still breathing. But you know, if you do, remember that drinking O'Douls makes you sexually unattractive, even when dead. If you gotta go, go with Rogue or Ballard Bitter on your breath and a smile on your face. And if you do make it through the entire two years of archives, following the rules of this game and using say, a proper IPA or (in deference to Phillip) heife-weizen, I do request that I get to hear about it.

Seize the Beer,
-Drew Johnson
djohnson@snowplow.org

Goats: the Drinking Game

Have a bottle of your favorite alcoholic beverage ready. Maybe two. If you don't have one handy, start brewing and consider a trip down to the local booze emporium. In the meantime, grab a bottle of whatever's handy. Liquid Drano does not taste as good as it looks. Be warned.

Take a drink if:

• Jon complains about his lack of sex life
• Jon's ego is taken down another notch by one of the other main characters
• Jon's ego is taken down another notch by a female
• Jon's ego is taken down another notch by Lori (remember, cumulative...)
• Jon's chances for dating someone are crushed due to the actions of another member of the cast
• Reference is made to Jon or Phillip's fondness of alcohol
• Jon or another character speaks directly to the readers
• Phillip discovers/develops/steals/borrows a new invention
• Toothgnip's sex appeal is alluded to
• Mention is made of Diablo's 'cuteness'
• Diablo starts speaking of Satan in familiar terms
• Neil or Bob use the word 'crispy'
• Neil and Bob dress up (pirate, disco, etc)
• Bob talks about his rodent fetish
• Jay makes reference to Busch
• The fish makes an appearance
• A weasel makes an appearance
• Frank Coffee makes an appearance
• Chessmaster 2000 makes an appearance
• The current storyline is more than two weeks old
• The current storyline is more than four weeks old
• A problem is solved with beer
• A Star Wars or Star Trek reference is made
• A computer reference is made (Bill Gates, MacOS, Linux, etc.)
• A reference to a previous plotline (Pudding Hut, Bizarro Dimension, etc) is made
• A Devo reference is made
• A character makes their first appearance
• A Bizarro Universe character makes their first appearance
• Pudding is mentioned
• Spam is mentioned
• The word 'Blerg' is used
• The phrase "damned if I know" is used
• Busch or Heineken is mentioned (to clear the bad taste-based memory from your mind)
• You don't get the joke behind the names 'Neil' and 'Bob'
• Toothgnip gets some

• A woman besides Cheryl, Lynda, or Lori takes notice of Jon
• Mention is made of Jon or Phillip's actual job
• Phillip is in the midst of a crackpot scheme to make money
• Phillip discusses some aspect of evil
• Diablo's head comes off
• The characters are at the pub and no alcohol is present
• Gretchen van Hooberfloosen and/or Heidi makes an appearance
• Scott Baio or Brooke Shields (including Suddenly Susan refs) is mentioned
• Cheryl is alluded to or appears
• The Geek Patrol is mentioned
• Thor is mentioned
• Accordians are mentioned
• The Panties of Potency are mentioned
• Something is drunk besides an alcoholic beverage
• An s/f reference other than Star Trek or Star Wars is made
• Duct tape is mentioned
• The daily comic is just the characters watching television and talking
• The daily comic is done on Post-Its
• The daily comic is in color
• The daily comic is a 'Goats Editorial' or other strip-long comment on previous comics
• Speak-n-Spell tells someone to spell something ('loser', 'knight', 'unwashed panties', etc)
• Jon makes a nod to Bloom County in the daily strip
• Jon writes a new readme column
• Jon collates a new letters column
• The copyright notice is non-standard on the strip
• Lori gets some
• Jay gets some

• Jon is left waiting in front of a telephone or computer because of a woman
• Phillip talks about a beer other than a hefe-weizen in the strip
• Phillip loses money on a crackpot scheme
• Toothgnip calmly describes something completely immoral
• Toothgnip or Diablo actually seems to care for the well-being of Jon or Phillip
• Diablo appears to be gardening or crocheting
• Bob uses the phrase "My sweet, sweet Fluffy"
• Thor appears
• Jerrell says something besides 'die' or 'fornicate'
• A new major section is added to Goats: The Site
• Jon (character or cartoonist) alludes to something as Goats: the ______.
• The strip shamelessly promotes something on Goats: the Site (t-shirt, flamethrower, etc)
• Phillip writes a new beer column
• Jon gets some
• Phillip gets some
• Neil and/or Bob get some (rodent)

• Jon says no to a woman
• Phillip says no to a beer
• Phillip drinks a low-quality beer
• A woman says no to Toothgnip
• Toothgnip says no to sex
• Lori says yes to an advance from Jon
• Neil and Bob leave on their saucer, never to return
• You finally get the joke behind the names 'Neil' and 'Bob' (oh! The humor!)
• The strip that you're seeing is rendered by a computer and/or animated
• Neil and/or Bob get some (non-rodent)

• Goats gets syndicated

For the hard-core fan only...

• Take a drink if someone alludes to goths
• Take a drink if someone alludes to the SCA or Rennaisance Festivals
• Take a drink if Phillip posts
• Take a drink if someone confesses that they like Busch, Bud, or Heineken (in sympathy)
• Take a drink if Jon posts from an account other than jon@goats.com
• Take a drink if someone spams the list
• Take two drinks if a day goes by in which someone doesn't flame another person
• Take two drinks if a Goats-Fans thread actually has something to do with the comic strip
• Take two drinks if Jon mentions his lack of romantic prospects (even in real life, we share - and revel - in his pain)
• Take three drinks if a person other than Phillip or Jon posts from a goats.com account
• Down the bottle if alt.comics.goats ever gets started
• Drink remainder of alcohol when rec.arts.comics.goats gets created