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jerrell
born: february 15, 1972
occupation: programmer
interests: death, fornication, death
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chessmaster 2000
born: may 3, 1979
occupation: chessmaster
interests: chess, funyuns, pork rinds, justice
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speak 'n' spell
built: october 17, 1982
occupation: educational toy
interests: grammar, pedantics, irritating chessmaster 2000
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shazam twix
born: december 1, 1943
occupation: head-to-head roller-biathlete
interests: bocce, alternative drugs, wine, tour guides, shotguns, rollerblading, bionics
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lauren
born: october 16, 1971
occupation: museum education/phillip's girlfriend
interests: cute animals, welding, gothic architecture, phillip
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keith shellac
born: July 20, 1965
occupation: NY1 television news anchor
interests: exclusives, interviews, yellow journalism
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howard
grown: august 12, 1997
occupation: eggplant
interests: mobility, psychoanalysis, soil and fertilizer
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jay
born: september 21, 1973
occupation: master of brassieres
interests: elevating bad taste to an art form, throwing away hard earned money into the coffers of the anheuser-busch corporation, belching contests, keg stands
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frank coffee
born: march 15, 1964
occupation: lawyer/doctor/con-man
interests: hairspray, armani, elimination of thought and morality
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biff wellington
born: april 3, 1976
occupation: assistant cashier at StuffMart
interests: glassware, banana peels, brownie mix, gardening, balloons, sugar cubes, stamps, ziploc bags, Hot Pockets
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t.v.
born: february 30, 1929
occupation: neural desensitizer
interests: reducing the national level of intelligence to that of a gnat, the cruel and unusual perpetuation of the career of brooke shields, the decimation of all men's souls
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